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9 Worthy Causes Of “The Machine” At The University Of Alabama

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For those who don’t know, campus politics at the University of Alabama are controlled by a secret society comprised of fraternities and sororities known as The Machine. Yeah, it’s a secret that everybody knows about. Go figure.

The Machine often makes the news for reasons that are, quite often, less than admirable. This year, however, they’ve surfaced for something completely arbitrary. Good for them. 2017 marks the first year that The Machine has thrown their support behind an African American candidate for SGA President and guess what — he won.

Jared Hunter, a member of Theta Chi Fraternity, is now SGA president. Angelina Jolie would be so proud of The Machine.

With as much power as they currently have, you have to think that The Machine could better serve the university (and the general population) by shifting their agenda to more specific items and causes. These things are, but not limited to, the following:

1. Serving the official state food of Alabama (chicken nuggets) in the university dining halls seven days a week.
2. Money laundering. There’s got to be something there.
3. Sponsoring a fight night for Kristin Saban.
4. Purchasing the nearly-expired food from local food banks so poor people can’t have it.
5. Lobbying for the state legislature to pass a law allowing students to register cattle as emotional service animals.
6. Fireworks. Just lots of fireworks.
7. Smoking cigarettes inside. Help bring that shit back.
8. Building a marble statue of Nick Saban beating Lane Kiffin mercilessly with a phonebook.
9. Demolition Derby fundraiser. Keep all profits.

If it has not been made wholly clear already, I know next to nothing about The Machine and how it operates. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not. We just don’t know. Your move, Machine.


Image via Shutterstock

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shitto is a fifth year sixth year lifetime underachiever. He spends his time posting drivel online, waiting to be consumed by overwhelming apathy. The only thing of value he has ever given the world is a collection of old tweets. He's been called "a jealous hater" and "an idiot."

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