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Hey, it’s me. Your girlfriend’s best friend. I made your girlfriend leave date night to come pick me up because I was too drunk. I make you nervous when your girlfriend goes out with me. I trust no man and therefore am skeptical of your every move. Oh don’t worry, I’m no mother hen. I (probably) won’t cock block you, unless you deserve it. But I’m watching. And I know everything about you. Before you get mad at your girlfriend for having a big mouth, a quality I’m sure you appreciate, just know that it’s not just you. I know everything about every guy she’s hooked up with. Even the ones she hasn’t told you about. I’m not here to tell you dirt on her, I’m just letting you know that if you make one false move, I could ruin your life. How? Because here’s what I know about you…
1. I Know About Your Dick, Obviously
I know everything there is to know about your penis and any activity related to it. Her first impression of your pecker was described to me and our other two roommates in full detail upon her return from your first rendezvous. The longer you date, the less details we get, which is such bullshit. But I do know for a fact that you don’t go down on her enough. Her words, not mine.
2. What You Looked Like In High School
I ran a full diagnostic report on your Facebook page as soon as my best friend mentioned your name, and the result came up positive for YIKES. I remember the swoosh hairdo being a thing, but you took it to a whole ‘nother level. It must have sucked having braces at prom. Speaking of prom, your date was ugly. And she didn’t get prettier. I checked.
3. Who You Hooked Up With Right Before Dating My Best Friend
I know what color hair she (really) has, her approximate bra size, who she hangs out with, and I gotta say, you did a real 180 dating my best friend. She is waaaaay prettier than that skank could ever hope to be. Seriously, you must have been really drunk. I have no idea what you saw in her. Then again, I have no idea what my best friend sees in you either, so I guess I’m not a good judge of that.
4. That Really Rude Backhanded Compliment You Gave Her The Other Day
In what universe would it be acceptable for you to tell a girl that she looked “fine”? Did the wolves that raised you not fill you in that women need constant reassurance at all times? If we don’t get our Compliments Quota fulfilled by the end of the day, that’s when bad things happen to good people. Or, in your case, bad things happen to festering piles of shit. I’d watch your back, hot shot.
5. How You Cried After Sex Once
Aw, I guess you do have a sweet side after all. She even told us about the speech that you gave her about your relationship with your mom, and to be honest, it was quite humanizing. I actually hate you a little less after hearing that. Mostly because now I know that I could beat you in a fight. Pussy.
6. What You’re Like In The Sack
6a) How long you usually last – Not long enough Tuesday after class, WAYYYY too long Saturday after the bars.
6b) If you know where to look – You know what highway you’re on but maybe stop and ask for some directions, big guy. We’re not impressed that you found where you need to go all by yourself if it involves five wrong turns and accidentally almost swerving into the wrong lane.
6c) How effective you are at getting her to climax – You get her there, though apparently the climaxes you induce are tantamount to the ones you see in November Oscar-bait movies about, like, two quiet European people suffering through a bad marriage or their sexual identities or something. You realize it happened but it’s pretty low key. We want some July blockbuster, Michael Bay robots ripping buildings in half with fire and metal type shit. A climax at which 90s Will Smith shouts “DAYUM” upon seeing it unfold. K?
7. Your Wildest Hopes And Dreams
Honey, stick to the business degree. Trust me. If your “hilarious” Facebook statuses and Insta captions are any indication, your screenplay is ass.
8. The Weird Sex Stuff You’re Into
Oh ho ho, you dirty, dirty girl, you. Don’t worry, I won’t talk about it… while you or she is in the room. But really, you like that? Huh, wouldn’t have guessed. Never can spot ’em, can ya?
9. Your Social Security Number
Actually, I’m still working on that one..