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I know some of you may think we pull a Bruce (Caitlyn?) Jenner sometimes in talking about things girls do. We’re writing for men, right?
Well, I wrote this as a favor to you, so you can “mistakenly leave it open” on your phone or computer for your lady friend to find (we all know that girls check these things behind our backs). Or maybe you’re the ballsy type and will forward this to your slam, whatever. The point is, this is something that needs to go out to the women in our lives because #FratLivesMatter.
1. “So, what are we?”
“Me Tarzan. You Jane.” What do you expect me to say here?
In reality, this can go one of two ways* — either you two have been hooking up casually and she wants to start slapping labels on it because she’s a nut case, or you two have been in a relationship for 6 months and she’s asking because she’s a nut case.
In the former scenario, if my erection didn’t think it was a good idea to date you the first time we knocked boots, that evaluation likely hasn’t changed. therefore your question is moot and you’re just making this awkward for everyone.
In the latter, the proper response is, “We are over now.” I don’t know what else to say, clearly you don’t understand that this is the longest standing relationship I’ve had with anyone besides my parole officer. I feed you Chipotle and spot you at the gym, what more do you want?
*There is a rare and mysterious “third mode,” where the question comes up the morning after you hook up for the first time if you’ve been platonic friends for a while. It’s a good sign and usually she will be asking to prevent scenario one from happening. Frat move on her part.
2. “It’s like you don’t even care about me anymore!”
Usually you will get this after about 24 hours of not responding to one of her text messages. I get it, I get it. We hooked up and I was enough of a gentleman to let you spend the night so you feel special. I’m regretting it already. But we’re both adults and we each have our own responsibilities to take care of. Get over yourself. And technically, I don’t have to care! We’re only friends with benefits, we discussed that when you spent the night.
3. “I’m really complicated, actually.”
You say, “I’m complicated” or even, “I’m complex.” What we hear is, “I have severe mental instabilities. I flip flop on issues more than a politician. I’m a hypocrite.” Typically this declaration is indicative of bipolar tendencies and compulsivity. Or you’re just a bitch.
4. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
I think this ties in very well with the previous line item. Usually, if people can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t want you at your best because they knew your best is a façade, like the delicious, flaky, golden crust on a “psycho pie.” Like your eyeliner, your “best” will run on a rainy day, leaving you looking like you just popped out of The Grudge. This applies both literally and figuratively. Nobody needs that in their lives.
5. Any kind of crying
I’ll admit, as soon as a girl starts crying I’ll capitulate to whatever it is they ask of me. It’s a lot to deal with, seeing another human reduced to tears over something they feel so strongly about. But if she’s turning on the water works over dumb shit like “how cute that puppy video was,” it’s time she got a reality check. Which brings me to my next point.
6. “Fur Babies”
This needs to stop and it needs to stop now. The first time I heard a girl say “fur babies” I thought her kids had some congenital disease resulting in abnormal hair growth. I later found out she was talking about her hideous Chihuahuas.
When you say fur babies, you are telling me that you have babies but you didn’t make them. That’s weird for two reasons. One, I’m not ready to be a dad. Two, you’re taking the care a mother has for her children, a maternal instinct honed by her bearing children and rearing them into adulthood, and you are applying that feeling to a cat. That makes you sound crazier than actually having children at the ripe old age of 19.
7. “I LOVE traveling!”
Yeah, you and every other girl who hasn’t left the county. Tell me how much you love traveling after a 16 hour flight from Johannesburg to New York with a puking twelve year old and his crazy mother on your right and a lame flight attendant yelling at you to “slow down with the whiskey” on your left. There is no joy in traveling, and, if you think there is, its because you are following the mass hysteria that results in phrases like “fur babies.”
I’m not saying you’re crazy because you enjoy experiencing different cultures, I’m saying you’re crazy because you are so disillusioned by today’s buzz words that you think happiness is found in another place at another time or by “humble bragging” about that time you went to Paris.
8. Anything about horoscopes
Let’s be real, there are only two kinds of people who believe in these things: Satan worshippers and my grandmother, neither of which are mutually exclusive, neither of which I want you turning into. If you think the words “Aries, Mars Rising” impact your personality but you don’t believe in my main man JC, you should really put the vape down.
If you believe in astrology, I would like to point out that much astrological “theory” had been developed during the time that the geocentric model of the five-planet solar system was still in use.
9. “I’m a feminist.”
Hah. I have two words for you: Hillary Clinton. You’re welcome.