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8 U.S. Air Marshalls Fired for Drinking on the Job

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I’m glad that America’s first fifty lines of defense against terrorism work so well, because our last line of defense is apparently a fucking circus. You’ve got people with the occupational skill level of an Arby’s busboy screening airline passengers and drunken, armed sky cops protecting them. To be fair though, these air marshalls weren’t exactly knocking back a shit ton of whiskey cokes on a cross country flight. Instead they were fired for drinking at a restaurant while they were on the clock. I’m not really sure what that entails, maybe they were on call, maybe they left behind some paperwork to grab a cocktail. Either way, that’s a TSA no-no, and if the TSA thinks it’s unprofessional, then it’s probably really unprofessional.

Honestly I’m a little disappointed that these air marshalls weren’t getting wasted on a flight. If I’m going to die on a plane then watching a terrorist furiously punch himself in the dick trying to set off his underwear bomb while a hammered drunk air marshall wildly fires his gun at the wrong bearded guy wouldn’t be such a bad way to go, relatively speaking.

All of the air marshalls were forced to turn in their badges and weapons. Seven of the eight are allowed to appeal their dismissals, while the eighth marshall was immediately terminated. Though the firings may seem harsh considering the offense, Popeye’s Chicken Assistant Manager TSA spokesman Nico Melendez says that these punishments fall in line with the TSA’s philosophy.

“TSA holds all of its employees to the highest professional and ethical standards and has zero tolerance for misconduct in the workplace,” Melendez said in a statement. “TSA’s decision to remove the individuals involved in the misconduct affirms our strong commitment to the highest standards of conduct and accountability.”

Mr. Melendez then started laughing uncontrollably and continued, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Oh man, I cannot keep a straight face through that. Ethical standards!?! BAHAHAHA. True story, I didn’t even know what that meant until the little cartoon paperclip on my computer told me! And yeah, we still use Windows 95 here at TSA. The fuck else did you expect?”

But seriously, the highest professional and ethical standards? Zero tolerance for misconduct in the workplace? I’m pretty sure the man who had to clean up the bones and ashes of his grandfather from the floor of an Orlando airport while the TSA employee who spilled them stood there cackling and picking those same ashes out of her gaudy manicure begs to differ.

Keep up the good work FBI, CIA, NSA, all other departments of Homeland Security and anyone else holding terrorists at bay, because if the terrorists make it all the way to an airport terminal then the odds at stopping them aren’t good, and I do not feel like having a box cutter duel with a smelly, crazed Saudi the next time I fly home.

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