Sadly, college football is over until a time so far away I’m not entirely sure I’ll even be alive for it. On the one hand, I certainly hope my skin is able to keep preventing the beer, pizza, and Taco Bell inside of me from bursting me at the seams for 8 more months. On the other, however, if that’s how I go out, won’t that have been a life worth living? I’m torn.
While life will certainly suck any way you look at it until college football makes its triumphant return later this year, there is some hope. Here are some things you can do to pass the time until next season.
1. Watch Other Sports
You’ve barely got any pro football left for the season, so that’s not really even a viable option. You need something more sustainable with a shorter offseason. Good thing there’s always that reliable crutch: action-packed, high-intensity, no-holds-barred baseball. Hooray…
2. Get Into Some Obscure Sports
I’ve never watched it, but jai alai could be a good time even though it looks like a sport you’d hallucinate up while on acid.
Then, Mr. Scoopy Hand Man flung the ball at the wall with his scoopy hand…
Maybe get into competitive speed stacking while you’re at it. Or Rubik’s Cubing. Or murder.
3. Community Service
You should be doing this anyway. Give back to your community. Chances are you’ve taken plenty from it, and 4,500 measly hours would hardly put a dent in the debt you owe.
4. Horse Racing
I don’t mean riding a horse competitively (although if you can somehow shrink 1.5 feet and get into that sport between now and next season, good for you); I’m talking about attending horse races. It’s an excuse to get dressed up, smoke “Cubanos” that are really White Owls, and gamble on little people riding large animals. A true gentleman’s game.
5. Tailgate Other Shit
Finals? Tailgate them. Intramural kickball? Tailgate it. Your boy is planning on breaking things off with his girlfriend? Tailgate it. Jai alai match? Tailgate it with acid. Everything is better with tailgating.
6. Get In Shape For Next Season
I don’t mean start jogging; you’re not the one who’s actually playing. You’ve got a season of tailgates, games, and loss celebrations ahead of you. Start conditioning now. Those 12-ounce curls aren’t going to do themselves. Make the offseason your onseason.
7. Research Your Opponent
Your team is doing everything to make sure they can win on the field, and you need to do everything you can to help out off of it. Doing your research ahead of time will make your heckling that much more effective. The offseason is the best time to hone your skills. Don’t listen to anyone who says “yelling at the TV doesn’t do anything; they can’t hear you.” Anyone who thinks like that is clearly not on acid like you.
8. Wallow In Despair
You’ve got the better part of a year ahead of you. Good luck..
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