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Infidelity is a very loaded topic. Anyone who’s ever been cheated on knows how much it can hurt. Anyone who’s ever cheated knows how hard it it is to explain to your girl why she’s suddenly HIV positive now. But does cheating automatically make you a shitty human being? I honestly don’t know, man. No one is perfect; everyone makes mistakes. Hell, even the seemingly flawless O.J. Simpson missed a touchdown catch once.
So all of this leads to the essential question: Is it ever okay to cheat, is it never ever cool, or is it occasionally acceptable under certain specific circumstances? The idea of infidelity being okay is like the idea of a man being able to suck his own dick — I’m not sure if it’s possible, but it might be.
I’ve thought about this a lot. I’ve pondered it, I’ve reflected on it, I’ve even thought about it while sitting in a chair wearing a monocle and big red turtleneck sweater and smoking a giant pipe next to a fancy fireplace. And I’ve come to the conclusion that there are a few times when adultery is actually forgivable to commit (sorry, The Bible).
Men, here’s when it’s okay to cheat:
• If your girlfriend cheated on you first (unless it was with Liam Neeson; then all you’re allowed to do is congratulate her and ask questions).
• If your girlfriend has any type of abusive tendencies (she’s cruel or psychologically manipulative, threatens to physically harm you with a knife or some shit, or makes you binge watch Gilmore Girls).
• If your girlfriend has ever tried to murder you (tried to stab you, tried to shoot you, forced you to inhale while standing next to a white guy with dreadlocks, etc.).
• If your girlfriend owns at least one (1) piece of “Jill Stein 4 Prez” memorabilia.
• If your girlfriend STILL hasn’t seen The Dark Knight.
• If your girlfriend doesn’t think Animal House still holds up.
• If your girlfriend has ever worn Ugg Boots in public.
• If Beyoncé wants to fuck you to get back at Jay Z for cheating on her. Look, I know you love your girlfriend, but this is BEYONCÉ, god dammit. You may never get another chance. Don’t worry; your girl will understand.
Now, let’s make it even and do the opposite. We need to balance this out and make sure this is a guide that can apply to everyone, not just men. So I did some more research about when infidelity is excusable when the gender roles are reversed.
Girls, here’s when it’s okay to cheat on your man:
• If he flies drones.
• If he writes list articles on TFM..
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