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8 Reasons Why Nickelback Is Obviously Better Than The Beatles

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nickelback beatles

This is it. It’s a battle between the 2 most beloved bands of all time: The Beatles and Nickelback. They’re both equally admired and worshiped by hundreds of millions of fans across the globe. They’re both iconic, groundbreaking, and changed the face of music as we know it.

For almost 5 decades now, people have argued endlessly about which band is better. It’s time to settle this debate once and for all. We’ll settle it with objective facts and the goddamn truth.

And guys, let’s just admit it — Nickelback is better than The Beatles. 10,000,000,000x better. It’s not even fucking close. Here are the 8 main reasons why.

1. Nickelback has more hits

Name one Beatles song. Seriously, just ONE. You can’t! It’s fucking impossible. They had no mainstream hits, resulting in one of the dullest and most forgettable discographies in rock history. Nickelback has a shitload of hits. Nickelback’s music will live forever; the songs of the Beatles have already faded away into nothingness. Sad!

2. Nickelback is still making music, The Beatles quit on their fans

The Beatles could have kept going, but they stopped quickly. Why? I have no idea. Either way, it’s pathetic. Nickelback recently signed a deal to release a new album sometime this year. They have work ethic. Where’s the new Beatles album?! Nowhere. So Lame.

3. Canadians are better than British people

Nickelback is Canadian, The Beatles are British. British people are arguably the lamest people on Earth. They talk really funny and it’s fucking impossible to understand them. Granted, Canadians sometimes talk funny too, but they’re still less insufferable than British people.

4. The Beatles did drugs; Nickelback is a great influence on children

The Beatles did a SHITLOAD of drugs. They smoked marijuana pots, and they even took acid mushrooms. They were troublemakers. They were immoral and irresponsible. A terrible influence for kids. All the members of Nickelback are clean-cut Christians who say no to drugs and alcohol — exactly what Jesus would want.

5. Nickelback has better lyrics

What the fuck are The Beatles talking about anyway?! “We all live in a yellow submarine?” Why the fuck would you live in a submarine? Buy a house — you’re a rich. “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds?” Who the fuck is Lucy, why is she in the sky, and where did this bitch get all those diamonds? “I am the walrus?” No, John Lennon, you’re not a walrus; you’re just a pretentious hippie.

6. The Beatles had bowl cuts

Have you ever seen a picture of The Beatles from the ’60s? It’s absolutely fucking horrific. Those haircuts are like pussy repellant. Laughably hideous. They all looked like retarded 3rd graders who get their hair cut by their alcoholic grandmothers. I can’t believe they walked around with those haircuts for years without getting shot. Wait a minute…

7. Nobody in Nickelback got shot and died like a pussy

John Lennon is such a little bitch. He gets shot ONCE and dies like a loser. Nobody in Nickelback got murdered, because they’re badasses. Bullets bounce off of Nickelback like Superman. Fucking awesome.

8. Ringo is an annoying little fuckboy

We all know it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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