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Everyone knows Thanksgiving weekend is one of the best weekends of the year for football. From Thursday morning until Sunday night, your eyes should be glued to the TV while you stuff your face with multiple helpings of each meal and pour disturbing amounts of delicious liquid fuel known as beer down your gullet. With so many different games on, it can be difficult to choose which one you should actually be watching. Have no fear, for I have done the hard work for you! These are the games you’ll need to be watching this weekend, bitches.
Philadelphia (8-3) at Dallas (8-3)
If there was a way both teams could lose this game, that would please me a great deal. However, I’m still incredibly interested in this one for fantasy purposes. In a matchup between two defenses that have more holes than Osama’s dead body, it’ll most likely come down to who has the ball last. Did you know that both of these defenses rank in the bottom 11 in yards allowed per play? Eagles fans are praying that they don’t witness another butt fumble from Sanchez while Cowboys fans pray that Romo’s back doesn’t snap in half like a twig. All things considered, I’m liking the Cowboys by a touchdown here.
TCU (9-1, 6-1) at Texas (6-5, 5-3)
Will Texas destroy TCU’s playoff hopes? TCU needs to put up about 100 style points to fend off Baylor and Ohio State, but Texas has been bringing the wood on D and suddenly, quietly has one of the best defenses in the nation. It’ll come down to which Swoopes shows up, but I like TCU in a much closer game than people expect.
Arkansas (6-5, 2-5) at Missouri (9-2, 6-1)
Missouri might be the most overrated team in the top 20. Yes, they are 9-2, but who have they played? They also lost at home to Indiana, which wouldn’t be so bad if we were talking about basketball, but we’re not, and that shit’s just embarrassing. Arkansas, on the other hand, is coming in hot. They knocked off LSU and Ole Miss in impressive fashion using their defense and run game to punish them both. I’m taking the Razorbacks in this one. Their rushing attack neutralizes Mizzou’s best defensive asset: their pass rush.
Arizona State (9-2, 6-2) at Arizona (9-2, 6-2)
While there will definitely be a game taking place on the actual field, this is really a battle for which school has the hottest women. This one will be won in the stands. I tend to give the slight edge to Arizona State here. I have yet to see one female Sun Devil that I wouldn’t take home and get weird with. Tune in solely for the bump shots of the stands between commercial breaks. After catching some eye candy, you can flip back to Arkansas-Missouri.
Mississippi St. (10-1, 6-1) at Ole Miss (8-3, 4-3)
Mississippi is the fattest state in America, so obviously Thanksgiving is their favorite holiday. They can justify eating three slices of pie and a whole turkey by saying, “What? Everyone else is doing it.” I think the average weight of the fans will rival the average weight of the offensive linemen. On the field, it’ll be a fun one to watch. I expect Hugh Freeze and the Rebs to avenge last year’s loss after a late INT in the redzone by Dak. He seems to be good at that, amirite, Alabama?!
Florida (6-4, 2-1) at Florida State (11-0, 6-0)
I saw a tweet the other day that summed up Florida State perfectly: they are that brother who’s had sex with a different girl for 27 straight days, but at this point they’re just taking down fat chicks, so should that streak really even count? Florida has the athletes to match up with Florida State. Unfortunately, Muschamp took all that talent and threw it in a dumpster and let that bitch burn. With that in mind, I think Jameis and the ‘Noles steal a win late.
Auburn (8-3, 4-3) at Alabama (10-1, 6-1)
The annual Iron Bowl is upon us. The gals of Alabama Phi-Mu are looking good and ready to defend their title after Saban’s daughter kicked six girls in the face as time expired last year, but the ladies of Auburn’s Theta are looking to play spoiler. They have been known to iron one hell of a shirt. On the field, when Bama plays their best football, there is no one in the SEC who can compete with them. It’s harder to run on them than it is to pick up the great white buffalo at 2am. Which is why I’m picking the Tide by at least two touchdowns. Saban will summon the demons (or as he calls his best friends) of hell to avenge last year.
New England (9-2) at Green Bay (8-3)
This one is all about the QBs. In my opinion, it really boils down to who has the hottest significant other. Brady gets the obvious nod here, being married to Victoria’s Secret Angel and supermodel Gisele Bunhoweverthefuckyouspellhername. Rodgers, though, might be a little underrated in the female department, dating the very attractive Olivia Munn. I’d give Brady -2.5 in the arm candy battle, but smart money is driving that line down. Oh and in the football game I’m taking the Pack in a shootout..
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