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College gives you plenty of opportunities to hook up with different women throughout your four (or five, or six) years. Here are eight girls you’re sure to come across on your journey.
1. The Slump Buster
Recently, you’ve been as successful with the ladies as Pedro Cerrano was at hitting curve balls in the beginning of “Major League.” Unfortunately, you can’t turn to Jobu for spiritual guidance. No, what you need is a good, old-fashioned slump buster. This girl is by no means attractive, but at this point, being picky defeats the purpose. You are strictly using her body to release all of your pent up, sexual frustration. Afterward, you’ll feel disgusted with yourself, but she was a necessary evil. You will both go on with your lives and you will never speak to each other again.
2. The Dead Fish
This is the girl who has gotten through life solely based on her looks. She’s never done an honest day’s work in her life, so why would you expect any different in the bedroom? Even when she gets on top, you’re going full power bottom. And even worse? She won’t make a sound. You’ll get legitimately concerned if she’s still conscious or not. Then when you stop to check and see if she’s still alive, she complains that you should have kept going, and that she was “almost there.” The mood is immediately ruined, and don’t fool yourself into thinking she’s going to offer up a handy–she contributes literally nothing to the team.
3. The Friend
This girl is attractive but she’s been your wingwoman since the first day you met. She knows every girl you’ve ever been with, along with your go-to moves. People suspect you two have definitely done something already, but you legitimately enjoy her company without throwing sex into the mix. However, one drunken night, the situation will present itself and you two will go at it like animals. This is where it goes one of two ways. Either the situation gets uncomfortable and you two slowly lose contact with each other, or you hit the jackpot and lock up a bang buddy for the near future.
4. The One Way Out Of Your League
There have been plenty of great underdog stories: Villanova over Georgetown in ’85, Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson, and now you taking home this babe from a top-tier house. There’s no explanation as to why you were able to lock down this hottie for a night that is sure to disappoint her, but you’ll get to tell this story for years to come. The sex is alright, but the more time passes, the better the tale gets in your own mind. You’ll certainly try and keep in contact with this girl, but unfortunately, she won’t share the same enthusiasm of getting to know you.
5. The Constant
There’s always one girl who stays in your life the entire time you’re in college. You hooked up after freshman orientation and you continue to do so intermittently. She’s the perfect formal date, as she’s low maintenance and never expects anything of you. She knows exactly how to get you off, but outside the bedroom, this relationship is as casual as it gets. You wish all women would take notes on how she goes about her business.
6. The Squirter
Just when you’re starting to think this is an urban legend, it finally happens. It catches you off guard at first, but once the realization of what is happening hits, you relish in the moment. You are a god amongst men (at least, you think that to yourself). “Just call me Poseidon, because I released the Kraken,” you brag to your friends. You were never too good at mythology. You hook up with this girl a few more times before you realize that once the novelty wears off, it’s not as cool as you originally thought. Sleeping on soaked sheets just isn’t worth it anymore, so you move on.
7. Your Girlfriend
Most of you will make the mistake of settling down in college like I did. You find an attractive girl who you don’t hate spending time with, and you think dating her would be worth a shot. The first few months are bliss–you’re in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, and you’re both exploring each other sexually on a daily basis. It’s all the payoff without putting in any real work, and damn, that payoff is good. Once that new relationship feel wears off, though, things start to go downhill. She’ll start to ruin what seemed like a perfect setup with questions about the future and where your relationship is going. This eventually takes a toll and leads to our next girl…
8. Your Ex
Yes, technically she is the same girl as above, but the sex is different enough that it warrants its own category. This is the most explosive and sensitive situation in this column. It becomes a game of chicken, seeing who will flinch first. You’ll both try to make each other jealous, and hell, maybe you’ll even sleep with other people, but every now and then, someone will break and you will end up back in the sack with her. I’d argue this is the best sex of all, because subconsciously, you’re trying to fuck the hate out of each other. Overall, it’s an experience worth having, but buckle up for the crash that soon follows.