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Women can’t comprehend what men regard as hot. Sure, they understand that long legs and an ample bosom are desirable, but past that they are lost. Figurative babes in the woods. “Should we all agree to wear this shirt that blouses out at the stomach?” they think to themselves as men roll their eyes and check to see if Amazon ships Russian brides (I’m a Prime member motherfucker – the internet equivalent of the black card). “Hey, these sandals that have ankle straps are pretty cool, right?” Not unless you’re going to actually fight a tiger in a coliseum. You see, there’s a divide a mile long between what men deem as sexy and what women deem appropriate. Should we have our way, every woman would be completely nude except for a pair of those toe-shoes, or in a crotch-less bee costume. You know, the two sexiest looks. But there are societal norms, and family pressures, and common decency to consider. Luckily, there are a few “secret” summer looks that – to borrow an old expression – “partially engorge my penis with extra blood flow.” Women, take note: below are a few examples of when “sexy” and “fashionable” (sort of) actually meet.
When a waiter tells you they have soft shell crab available, you order the soft shell crab. Why? Because they’re only around for a couple months out of the year. Besides the fact that they’re delicious on their own, the scarcity and time constraints created by nature make them even more desirable.
And so goes the white pant. Available only for several weeks a year, the white pant exists when a girl molts her winter exoskeleton of North Face Parkas and trades it for the most revealing of colors. A great ass can only truly reach its potential in white pants on a sunny May afternoon. Also: NOT. ON. PERIOD.
Long Dresses (Maxi Dresses)
This one shocks girls because of the lack of skin. The fact is, these long, tight-fitting dresses make you look like the hourglass figure from the Looney Toons cartoons of our youth. Take a look at Jessica Rabbit. She is in my top ten hottest chicks of all time. What? She’s a cartoon? Thanks. Guess what? That changes nothing. I’m still sitting here sporting an eight on the chub scale and I’m in a public bathroom. When a girl can wear something that reminds a guy of the first things he ever masturbated to, she will always win. This is why the long dress works. This is why watching Golden Girls still works.
Cut off jean shorts are an enigma. They seem to matter very little to girls. Like, “Hey, I’ll just throw these on for my trip to the gynecologist.” But to a guy it’s more like, “JEAN SHORTS?!!? I hope she’s going to the gynecologist!” The fact that girls see them as such a utility item makes them that much hotter. At any time of day, you could see a pair and it will change your whole attitude. In line at the bank, out at the park, in the coffee shop, or even in the gynecologist’s office you hang out at after work.
SIDE NOTE: I did not say jean skirt. I’ve been railing against the jean skirt for years, and for some reason nobody is listening. Guys don’t think that the jean skirt is hot for the same reason we don’t think that wearing a cardboard box around your waist is hot. It shows no curves, it in no way moves with your body, and the likelihood that you have a brother named Billy-John that wants to kick my ass goes up tenfold.
Guys love it when the button down shirt is tucked into some jean shorts. It looks like you run a horse farm. I don’t think girls understand how hot that looks. I don’t think I even understand. Maybe it’s the grunting. Or the inevitability of incest. But the real game changer is when they do the thing where they tie the button down shirt at the midriff. Every girl just rolled their eyes and puked a little bit because they hate the type of girl who does this move. She’s the type of girl who watches porn and wears pigtails. I agree, she is not a good person. She is a very bad person. A naughty girl who needs to be…oh my god, I’m sorry mom.
The Circle Bun
Three words: attention to detail. The circle bun isn’t so much hot as it is a window into your psyche. You took that extra moment to make a bun that is a little different, a little more cleaned up, a little more confusing (no guy gets how you guys do this). Why would a guy find that hot? Well, it means you might do the little things: tickle the balls, feather the anus, do that tickle scratch thing on my back after sex that makes me kick my leg like a dog.
Multi-Colored Yoga Pants
There was a girl at the bar this past weekend wearing creamsicle colored yoga pants and everyone went NUTS. It was like she took the yoga pants game and turned it on it’s head. Girls were getting mad and saying things like, “Who would wear that?” and “This is a bar!” and “It makes her ass look big!” Guys were agreeing and not agreeing all at once: “WHO is wearing that?” and “This IS a bar!” and “It makes her ass LOOK HUGE!” It got me a little reflective. There was a time where any yoga pants got me going. Now I live in a time where I’m writing about a specific color of yoga pant being better than the regular black ones that ALSO outline a woman’s vagina. I love you 2013.
One-Piece Bathing Suit
Don’t get me wrong. The bikini is great. But there’s an old saying, “Show me a hot girl and I’ll show you a boyfriend who’s tired of having sex with her.” There was a time when the bikini girl was the talk of the beach. But now? Like the jitterbug and Harry Truman, it’s old hat.
Take me back to a simpler time, when I didn’t need two D-batteries and chicken wire to achieve an erection. Back to a time when the top of the swimsuit created tension on the bottom of the swimsuit, thus creating a tighter fit. Back to a time before texting and condoms and horseless carriages. Rock the red one piece like you’re Wendy Peffercorn, and watch all of the guys get the most powerful boner of all: an erection achieved not through small voltage, but through winsome nostalgia for days gone by.