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In my opinion, sometimes it’s ok to bend the truth in a relationship. Never tell huge lies, but little harmless white lies are fine. Here’s my guideline for your love life. Here are the seven lies that it’s okay to tell your girlfriend.
“Of course I like your parents.”
Look, even if you hate your girlfriend’s parents, act like you love them. I don’t care that her mom is racist and thinks Applebee’s is fancy. I don’t care that her dad farts too much and thinks Pulp Fiction is overrated. It’s not worth the argument. Pretend you don’t hate them. If she ever asks what your opinion is on them, do 11 backflips and get passionately excited about how wonderful they are.
“Of course I don’t wanna bang your friends.”
Look, I know her best friend Cindy is insanely hot. She looks like Jessica Alba but with an even larger butt, and you’d sell your left nut and murder all your grandparents just for the chance to have her sit on your face for 37 seconds in a dark closet. But don’t mention it to your girl. Let your girl feel like all her friends look like the warthog from The Lion King. Hakuna Matata.
“Of course I don’t watch porn.”
Look, every dude watches some pornography from time to time. Even the Pope goes on Pornhub once in a while when he has bad insomnia. But don’t tell your chick. If she finds out that you sharpen your pencil to hardcore videos of lesbians eating nachos off of each other on a yoga mat, she’ll get insecure. Act like you’ve never even HEARD of porn. If she mentions porn, be like, “What the fuck is that? Are you referring to that shitty band from the 2000s?” and she’ll be like “No, porn is sexual videos; you’re thinking of Korn.”
“Of course I wanna watch The Notebook with you.”
Look, we all know The Notebook is boring as fuck — almost as boring as a Wally Bryton article — but, for some reason, everyone with a clit loves it. You’re a male, OF COURSE you don’t wanna watch that fuckin’ movie. It’s REALLY corny, it’s too long, and Ryan Gosling gives you confusing homosexual fantasies that you’d rather not address. But just take the bullet. Relationships are about compromise. Watch The Notebook and pretend to enjoy it; it’s not worth the fight.
“Of course I’ve never been arrested for peeing on a cop.”
Look, we all remember New Year’s Eve 2014 when you got thrown in jail for going full R. Kelly on a uniformed officer after you had too much whiskey. It’s totally common. Who among us hasn’t been arrested for pissing on a policemen? Hell, it’s happened to me twice this year. But if your girlfriend ever asks you about it, deny it. Don’t ruin your relationship, she doesn’t need to know.
“Of course I’ve never cooked meth in my garage and sold it to middle schoolers.”
Look, everyone has done things they’re not proud of for money. It’s hard out here, you gotta get that paper. So it’s easily forgivable that you cooked meth in your garage and sold it to 6th graders outside of a Cici’s Pizza Buffet. We’ve ALL done it. It’s a guy thing. But don’t tell your girl, she doesn’t need to know that. It doesn’t matter.
“Of course I wasn’t the Zodiac Killer.”
Look, Chaz, we ALL know you were the Zodiac Killer. Just admit it. We ALL know you killed a bunch of people in California in the late 60s and early 70s and sent eerie, cryptic messages to the local press about it. It’s ok, though! We forgive you. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s honestly not that big of a deal. BUT if your girl ever asks if you were the zodiac killer, just say no. She’ll get mad for some reason; I don’t know why. She’s just too emotional I guess. Bitches be tripping, man..