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1. The “Let’s Start A Business” Guy
Whether it’s a bar, a strip club, or a massive life-controlling social network, this guy always seems to have a new idea for he and his friends to avoid the monotony of a normal grown up life. Sure, his Sociology degree doesn’t make him seem like the ideal candidate to start an empire, but you’ve gotta give the guy credit for his ambition. If it wasn’t for guys like him, this website wouldn’t even exist.
2. The High School Superstar
Dude. We get it. You were really good at sports in high school, and you probably could have gone D1 if it wasn’t for your ruptured achilles tendon or other random debilitating injury. That’s all well and good, but now you average about 14 beers a day, the freshman 15 made way for the sophomore 25, and my little sister can chug a beer faster than you can run a 40-yard dash. Just let it go.
3. The Shit Talker
Alcohol affects everyone differently, but for this guy, the booze running through his veins hits him like knockoff Mexican steroids that give you a gut instead of getting you shredded. He might not be the biggest or toughest guy, but for some reason, all it takes is one accidental elbow in the bar to set him off into a rage that either ends with him in the hospital or your entire group kicked out of the drinking establishment. Your risk manager can’t stand this guy.
4. The Strikeout Guy
If I had to describe this guy in one word, that word would be “persistent.” If I had to use three words, I would call him a “horny mother fucker.” This guy is constantly on the hookup prowl, and boasts some outrageous stories about his past conquests, but for some reason, every time you have a night on the town, he comes home empty handed. In fact, the only girls you’ve actually witnessed him get with are the 2:30am trolls who linger at the house with the sole intention of getting stuffed. Doesn’t matter, had sex?
5. The Fiend
This guy is normal enough on a day-to-day basis, but the moment that ninth whiskey double touches his lips, he becomes a vortex of bummed drugs and tobacco products. It wouldn’t be a big deal if the guy just bought a pack or a sack on his own accord every once in awhile, but this guy is still in denial about how much he loves taking his already fucked-up state to a completely new level.
6. The Naked Guy
Some people are loud drunks, some like to start fights, but this guy just wants to channel his inner hippie and run around the party in his birthday suit. He never remembers exactly why he got naked, but chances are the night will always end in the same way: passed out, face down in a common area leaving his bare ass for all the world to see. Just make sure you keep this guy under control during parents’ weekend.
7. The Designated Drunk Driver
This guy is an absolute moron, but when you’re miles away from home in blissful ignorance, he’s an extremely useful moron. While you haven’t kept tabs on every beverage he’s consumed, you’d expect that by age 20 you can count on a friend when he says “Don’t worry. I’m good.” Not this kid. He practically drunk drives for sport, and acts like leaving his car parked somewhere until morning is a sin on par with masturbating in a confessional after sharing a crack pipe with the Archbishop. All joking aside, if you know a kid like this, keep an eye on him. We have pledges for a reason. Make those worthless sacks of shit work for once.