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69 Ways To Party Like An Asshole

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1. Show up with zero booze and shamelessly mooch off everyone else.

2. Have a total lack of respect for the personal space of other attendees.

3. Keep asking, “So where are we going next?”

4. Take your shirt off even though everyone else is fully clothed, because you work out semi-regularly.

5. Complain about the music. Occasionally change the song without asking permission.

6. Approach a group of girls that are dancing together and enjoying themselves and wiggle your way in there.

7. Claim that you’re better than everyone at each drinking game being played, but refuse to actually prove it by participating.

8. Initiate a beer shower indoors with no regard for people that don’t want to get wet or electronics that could be ruined.

9. Crop dust the entire venue and blame it on a random chick.

10. Ignore the party theme and wear a totally unrelated and offensive costume.

11. Go around challenging people to chug their beers and call anyone that refuses a pussy.

12. Smoke the hell out of your super cool e-cigarette indoors.

13. Pour liquor into the beer bong as someone is hitting it.

14. Get belligerently drunk and roam around slapping people’s cups out of their hands.

15. Ask every hot girl if they’re down to do body shots.

16. Yell out quotes from The Wolf of Wall Street all night.

17. Gronk spike each beer you finish, even if it’s a glass bottle.

18. Start wrestling with one of your boys in the middle of a crowded area.

19. Speak at a ridiculous volume that makes conversing with you unbearable.

20. Never address anyone by their actual name. Males are “dude, man, bro, chief, boss, hoss, champ,” or “guy.” All females are “babe.”

21. Let your generally sloppy and clumsy demeanor cause you to knock things over. Never pick anything up.

22. Go around asking unfamiliar dudes “Who do you know here?”

23. Barf in the corner of the room, immediately get a refill and yell, “Puke and rally!”

24. Challenge guys that don’t look like they work out to pushup competitions.

25. If the cops arrive, yell, “Fuck the police!” at the top of your lungs.

26. When making your way through the crowd, sneak in a hot girl tushy squeeze or two.

27. Go through the fridge and start snacking without permission.

28. Drop a gargantuan deuce before inviting people into the bathroom to rail lines.

29. Ask a babe for a kiss on the cheek. When she attempts to oblige, turn your head at the last second and steal the real deal.

30. Take off your disturbingly unsanitary boat shoe and use it to stir the trashcan punch.

31. Start a violent fight with some bro that stepped on your punch-soaked boat shoe.

32. Bounce from group to group totally ruining each conversation by awkwardly inserting yourself and laughing obnoxiously like you have any idea what’s going on.

33. Spill your drink all over a girl in a white t-shirt and then volunteer to help her dry off.

34. Show up with a handle of Fireball and force everyone to take pulls.

35. Keep asking, “Where are all the hot girls at?” in front of girls.

36. Drop your pants around your ankles every time you urinate, effectively executing the “little boy pee.”

37. Repeatedly attempt to start a mosh pit on the dance floor.

38. Don’t bring your own cigs and spend the entire night bumming off annoyed strangers.

39. Invite a bunch of your shadiest friends without asking the host.

40. Stumble around yelling, “Who’s trying to get the pipe?” like you’re J. R. Smith.

41. Wait for an intense beer pong game to come down to the last few cups and then flip the table.

42. Take pictures and videos of people doing stuff that they definitely don’t want documented.

43. Get the host’s pet wasted.

44. Every time one of your boys arrives, spear him into a wall.

45. Engage in a conversation with another human being and then take out your phone and text the entire time they’re talking.

46. Get way too violently high, forcing others to take care of you.

47. Start so many “USA! USA!” chants that it starts to get extremely old.

48. Post up in the corner of the dance floor just creeping super hard, and power point at any chick that looks in your direction.

49. Go around asking people if they know where you can score some molly.

50. Tell multiple people that you’ve read the books and Jon Snow ends up on the Iron Throne.

51. If one of your friends is spitting game, walk up and ask them if they got rid of that Chlamydia.

52. Aggressively try to round up a group of dudes to hit the strip club later even though it’s only 10:00 PM.

53. Demand “Free Bird” be played every 30 minutes.

54. Attempt the spitting-whiskey-into-a-lighter-to-make-a-fireball trick, and fail miserably, accidentally lighting people and/or things around you on fire.

55. Make that “violently masturbate and throw jizz” motion your go-to dance move.

56. Any time someone brings up how hot a girl is, claim to have boned her.

57. Purposely piss your shorts on the dance floor and play it cool like it’s no bigggie.

58. Engage in totally inappropriate PDA that makes everyone around you feel awkward.

59. Cut every line like you own the place.

60. Attempt a beer pong dunk with your first shot of the game.

61. One up every single story that is told throughout the evening.

62. Take your dick out, slap it on your wrist and tell people to check out your new watch.

63. Find two girls talking, walk up and say, “You two should totally kiss.” Then take out your phone and point it at them.

64. Freak the fuck out after losing a drinking game and threaten to burn the house down.

65. Have a delicious pizza delivered toward the end of the night and tell anyone that asks for a slice that they’re $5 each.

66. Bitch about the alcohol running out after you’ve pounded 15 free drinks.

67. Mass text “wut u doin” to every single girl in your phone when the party starts to wind down.

68. Invite a girl upstairs even though it isn’t your house.

69. Head into a random bedroom, lock the door, smash, and pass out right after you finish on the sheets.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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