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6 Signs You Shouldn’t Join a Fraternity

1) You’re a Pussy

Yes. If you’re a pussy, Greek Life most certainly is not for you. Look, I’m not trying to sound like an asshole, but if you’re really willing to subject yourself to 3-4 months of modern-day serfdom, you better have at least a decent sized set of gonads swinging between your legs. You’re about to be mentally and physically pushed to the brink. If you’re going to quit three days in because you can’t watch “How I Met Your Mother” every damn night, then you’re in the wrong place.

A more simple way to put this is you have too much pride. Pride is a necessary component in a fraternity man’s arsenal, but when you’re a pledge you’re barely human, fret not though, it only lasts a few months. But if you can’t realize that pledgeship is only a temporary, yet necessary obstacle to the good life, then pack your shit and hit the bricks, pussy.

2) You Have a Girlfriend

Girls are fun, right? And you’ve been dating the same one since you were a sophomore in high school? Boy, that’s just…fucking stupid. This isn’t just a tip for incoming pledges, it’s a tip for all incoming freshman. Dump your girlfriend.

You’ve dated this girl since you were 16. Get rid of her, especially if she’s not going to the same school or isn’t even in college yet. The success rate of these relationships is somewhere north of being struck by lightning on the tip of your dick, but south of finding a sack of $100 bills in an alley.

Pledgeship isn’t exactly conducive for carrying on a relationship. Shit, you have trouble maintaining contact with your parents while in the pledge bubble. Drop the high school sweetheart and commit to the fraternity…and the scores of slams that will be made available throughout the course of your collegiate career. These are opportunities that you otherwise might miss out on if you decide to put your cock in a jar for a girl you started dating before you could legally drive.

3) You Don’t “Play Well with Others”

You’re now living in a house with anywhere from 25 to 100 other guys. Try to get along. There are going to be fights over all sorts of bullshit. That’s inevitable, but you’ve got to put those behind you. No one likes anyone who holds a grudge, especially if it’s over a 4:00am game of “Goldeneye”, and you lost because your roommate played on License To Kill when you wanted to play Golden Gun. Get the fuck over it.

4) You Can’t Keep a Secret

It’s the best part about being in a fraternity. You’re a part of something that’s bigger than you and no one else but your brothers know about it. So keep your goddamn mouth shut. Even the “non-secret” fraternities have rituals and things they do that go unspoken.

Some geed chick with a pretty mouth and an appetite for blue jean cream might try to get you to spill the beans during a late night slam sesh in the dorms. If you’re going to squeal over a medium grade blowie, check your shit. If you have a propensity for telling secrets while drunk, check your shit. Not only will you have to deal with your brothers having it out for you if you dish the goods, you’ll also probably have a battalion of lawyers up your ass threatening suit if the secrets are truly dark. Shit gets real in the fraternity. You’re a part of something bigger than yourself. Check. Your. Shit.

5) You’re a Creep

When you enter the sacred bond of fraternal brotherhood, you open yourself up to guilt (or awesomeness) by association. This is a double edged sword. Some girls might hear “I‘m in XXX house“ and be ready to birth your children right there in the bookstore. Some girls might hear “I‘m in XXX house“ and run to the health center demanding a rape kit without you even touching her.

Creeps are made, not born. They’ve usually watched too much porn in high school or had an older brother who taught them all too horribly wrong how to act around women. You act like a creep in public, you are dragging the house’s name through the mud and making sure that every girl who crosses the threshold of the fratcastle will forever be worried about being roofied or cornered in a dark closet, with some mouth breather trying to chew on her pearls.

The point is that reputations take years, sometimes decades to shed. The reputation that you or others leave behind will last long past your graduation and will probably result in the loss of precious pussy around your fraternity. That said, don’t be a fucking creep.

6) You’re Doing this to Put it on Your Resume

Stop right there, young go-hard. You’ve gotten a bid to your campus’ best fraternity. Alums include prominent politicians, business leaders and well-connected executives. If the first thing that pops into your mind is, “this is going to look great on a resume”, pack up and head for the dorms. Being in a fraternity is a great thing to have on your resume and will likely lead to connections that others in the real world might never get, but if your main priority is to hold every exec position and get in with IFC, you’re doing it all wrong. The word fraternity means one thing: brotherhood.

The benefits of the brotherhood serve the purpose of the greater good, not fodder for a cover letter or something to drop in a job interview. There’s a reason why business fraternities and “tap day” organizations exist. If resume fodder is your goal then go join one of those organizations, not my brotherhood.

That’s the most important thing. Brotherhood. If the guys and alums like you, you’ll be rush chair, VP or maybe even president. But no one likes the guy who is always trying to play the politics game in the house. There’s a time and place for that and it comes much further down the road than where you currently stand. Enjoy your time in the house. Slam slams, drink drinks and have a good time. You’re a god amongst men, if you’re worried that you won’t be that guy when you leave the walls of your fraternity, then you’re fighting a losing battle, my friend.

Follow me on Twitter: @ChampsTourTFM

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TheChampionsTour

The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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