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Everything a guy does is in an attempt to attract the best mate for the genital dance (that’s what my Nana calls sex and grinding… Talking to her about prom was VERY confusing). You think I’d be sitting here wearing pants, debating when to go to the gym, drinking a coffee, and wearing pants if sex didn’t exist? No. I’d be outside pantless, eating canned beans from my belly button using an airplane shaped spoon. This is why guys get dressed and shower and act like humans.
Girls don’t act this way and that’s why fashion trends that guys don’t enjoy exist. Girls react to the opinion of guys, Oprah, their friends, and girls they hate. So a guy’s opinion on fashion matters very little to the girl. The more important part is that these blunders matter even less to guys. Again, sex. None of the fashion decisions below are deal breakers for us. Wearing a tiara doesn’t disqualify a girl from the pumps of half chub pleasure we can provide on a whiskey-filled night. You’ll even get the late night rendition of Rocky (the scene where Mickey is yelling at Rocky from the corner to “get it together.” Our head plays Mickey and our penis plays Rocky). A girl’s bad fashion decisions still gets her Nana’s genital dance, but she should understand one thing: these overrated items become her calling card. When they walk into the party with the high waisted shorts, then that will become their name to his crew for the courting, hookup, and relationship. His buddies will say, “Dude’s going for High Waisted” and, “I can’t believe he boned Urkel” and, “I’m really happy things worked out with FUPA. This was a beautiful wedding.”
These looks girls wear but guys don’t care about won’t hurt the Earth’s population, but they will be remembered:
High Waisted Shorts
I have a theory about high waisted shorts and how they got so popular. I think that a girl with the perfect body for high waisted shorts (only three exist) wore them and absolutely crushed it. She was out at brunch with a group of ten girls. A gorgeous Italian doctor named Febreze who smelled great and had houses in LA, NYC, and Milan approached her, and only her, out of the whole group. He stood her up, had her twirl, looked her in the eyes and said, “Sei favolosa in quei pantaloncini.” He then paid the check for the whole brunch while the other nine girls got so wet that they fell off of their rustic wooden brunch bench. Febreze then whisked the girl with the perfect body for high waisted shorts to an island, got married, and spent their wedding night sipping from mason jars. This legend got passed around from girl to girl across the nation. Like a game of telephone, the story kept getting more fantastical. Febreze is now described as an Italian-Swedish Ryan Gosling mix who takes painting classes (for the conversation and the wine), and they have cuddles that last a lifetime without nary a boner jab. Now, in an attempt to somehow hit this type of “dude-paydirt,” every chick is participating in a fashion trend that only three girls on Earth can pull off. Not even the risk of having a side profile that looks like a capital D can dissuade them. High waisted shorts are a girl’s “White Whale,” and he’ll never be caught.
Headwear (Excluding Baseball Hats)
The baseball cap is hot (I’ve written about this before). I know, “You look horrible in hats,” but you don’t. You look like EVERY movie “hot-cool-girl.” Girls have Rom-Coms with guys that don’t really exist and guys have “hot-cool” movie girls. The one who thinks like a guy, looks like a girl. A Jessica Biel type who eats a hotdog with everything on it and never complains about stomach issues. Yes, our movie girls don’t exist either, but that hat is a window into that illusion.
The big bow, or the flowery thing, or the tiara is different. It actually represents the opposite type of girl. The girl from Willy Wonka who yells, “Daddy I want a balloon!” The high maintenance girl. Someone like that is very particular; there are hours of placement and putting the headwear on and taking it off and huffing and roommate opinions (sex with no sex). This is a girl who probably doesn’t eat the hot dog with everything on it. Instead, she goes to the baseball game spending half the time looking for the gluten free booth. Meanwhile, her date is looking for the cyanide booth.
The problem I have with the sneaker wedge is that girls do look cute/smart/fun in actual sneakers. They look like Alex Mack, a girl who’s a little too cool for us (in the “I do too many drugs and I tell people I have magical powers” type of way).
So, a girl is either wearing these things during the day when she could be my LSD-Alex Mack-Princess (daytime sneaker wedge girl is more like a “I-can’t-find-my-shoes-Dwight-Howard-hookup-walk-of-shame”), or she’s wearing them at night when she could be wearing actual heels. Heels are awesome. They look great. When a girl dominates heels, she looks like she dominates EVERYTHING (you just got hard). Go look at the picture. The sneaker wedge looks like a pair of heels that got pregnant, had the baby, and said, “Screw it, he’s locked in.” If you’d rather be with the chick worn out by Dwight in the pregnant shoes, then google “Cuckold Porn.”
Ultimate Warrior Bikini
This is the two piece with the strings hanging down from the front. Two issues: 1) the strings hanging down block the one thing every guy wants to look at. I feel like this started as a joke. “Hey girls, what if we put strings in front of our boobs so guys can’t see them hahahaha,” said the girl with the flat chest and a boyfriend who claims to be a “face guy.” And 2) those strings remind any guy who ever watched wrestling of the Ultimate Warrior. There are a few things I think of when I think of the Ultimate Warrior: wrestler, steroids, insanity, steroids, death, steroids, face paint, steroids, going crazy on a ring rope, and steroids. None of those things have to do with chicks, fashion, or a man’s erection.
I’m at the age where all of my friends are getting married. I’ve mentioned their significant others here.
There are two types of hairstyles that you see at weddings. One is the natural, flowing hair that looks great. Then there’s that girl who’s “going to take a shot.” A head of hair that’s a wild combination of curls and loops that could make Medusa turn to stone. The issue isn’t as much the look (which is never as good as the natural down hair look), but it’s the evolution of the look throughout the night. Everyone is dancing, getting drunk, and having fun, and there isn’t enough time to give this mess the amount of upkeep it needs. By night’s end, it looks like a crusted over pile of garbage attached to the side of a girl’s head that looks about as touchable as sweaty herpes dipped in baby vaseline, to put it mildly.
Black Yoga Pants
Relax, TFM commenters. The yoga pant is still king (Queen? Am I gay?). They’re still the Boner Master MD. I’ve written about how colored yoga pants (Am I racist?) are underrated and need to be worn more, but that’s the exact reason the black ones have been overrated. Guys are like drug addicts. Black yoga pants were our marijuana and we’ve now moved on to harder erections..err…drugs. Like pink yoga pants that look skin colored enough to make a woman look vagina-less. Black yoga pants just don’t do it anymore. Getting hot for black yoga pants is like taking your first snort of cocaine; you’re only a big assed chick in yellow yoga pants away from becoming the unpaid doorman at your local Lululemon.
See the underrated looks here.