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Many of you out there are probably thinking, “Dr. Johnson (thank you for using the appropriate title), why did you write a follow-up to your ‘7 Signs That You’re Her Slump Buster’ column? Your first piece was so spot on — and flawlessly written, might I also add — that I can’t possibly fathom the need for a second.”
While I’d like to agree that one such column is enough, my inbox has been FLOODED with emails from folks all over the country begging me to give them more insight into the slump buster’s plight. Since I’m an empathetic people pleaser at heart, I just had to fire up the ol’ typing machine for a second Pulitzer Prize-worthy installment.
No need to thank me. Let’s just get into it, shall we?
She’ll repeatedly insist that “I never do this”
This can easily be confused with the coy version of, “I never do this,” which is a woman’s way of saying that she usually never does the whole one night stand thing, but she decided to make an exception because you’re so handsome and charming and cool. Which you, the slump buster, are obviously not.
The “I never do this” that you will be treated to has a much different tone and context. When she tells you that she never does this, what she means is that she never before has stooped so low as to bump uglies with someone as hideous and execrable and lame as you. But hey, at least you’re still getting lucky, right?
She’ll make little to no eye contact with you
Since the sight of you is overwhelmingly repulsive to her, she’ll be trying her damndest to avoid looking at you entirely. She may catch your eye every now and then, but rest assured that any eye contact between the two of you is purely accidental and thoroughly regretted.
She’ll come up with a humiliating nickname for you
Something like Lil’ Two Pump or Chode McGee. You know, something meant to demean while, at the same time, be slightly whimsical.
It’s a nickname she’ll workshop with her sorority sisters while recounting the tale of her disappointing sexual liaison. Once they pinpoint the perfect nickname for you after sharing a few laughs over your pitiful dick game, the dissemination commences.
Her friends will tell several of their friends and so on and so forth. By the time you graduate, there will be anywhere from 20-150 people who know you solely as Skintag Steve.
She’ll accept your social media friend/follow request and then delete you soon after
You’d think that if she really wanted nothing to do with you, then she’d just ignore or straight up deny your friend/follow requests. Wrong. She knows that, to you, an ignored or denied request can mean a variety of things. Maybe she doesn’t check her [insert social media account] all that often. Maybe she keeps on denying on accident. She knows that you’ll convince yourself to believe these things, so she makes it a point to accept your request and then remove you as a friend in a week or two. It’s impossible for even the most clueless of schmucks (and you’re undoubtedly the most clueless) to not take that hint.
Exception: She’ll stay on as a Twitter follower, but only because she occasionally enjoys your hot political takes.
She’ll pawn you off on one of her much uglier friends
Ideally, she’d never have to run into you ever again. But she’s prepared for the worst, so on the chance that you do meet up again, she knows exactly what to do.
Your girl will be sure to keep an ugly friend or two in her vicinity at all times, so that wherever you happen to bump into each other next — whether it be at a house party or a bar — she has someone to use as a diversion so that she can make her escape.
The pro to this situation is that you’re more than likely getting laid again. The con is that she has now made it abundantly clear that she finds you about as grotesque as her freshman year suitemate Mildred, the one with the peg leg and early onset female pattern baldness.
She’ll sign you up for Rowdy Gentleman promotional emails
Never forget why you’re her slump buster in the first place. It’s because your normcore-looking ass lacks any sort of discernible taste or style, which you would clearly have if you got your shit at Rowdy Gentleman.
She may seem like a heartless bitch, but deep down, she’s no monster. She wishes you weren’t a slump buster. She really does. Which is why she signed you up for all those Rowdy Gentleman promotional emails. Cop a few Natty Pop Art Hawaiians and maybe, just maybe, you’ll start hooking up with girls who don’t need a stiff drink and a cold shower whenever your name gets brought up in conversation..
Image via Public Domain Pictures