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6 Lies Your Girlfriend Is Telling You

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As famous feminist Chris Brown once said, “These hoes ain’t loyal.” Brown’s renowned feminist literature and think pieces have been dissected for their poignance and beauty dozens of times, so I’m not here to blow more smoke up his progressive ass. I’m just here to warn you that your girlfriend is lying to you.

You’re probably thinking, “This is just a (poorly executed) comedic exaggeration”. You’re thinkin’, “Haha not MY girlfriend!” Yes, YOUR girlfriend. As a matter of fact, ESPECIALLY your girlfriend, Brian.

Don’t get it twisted. Dig for the harsh truth and you’ll find it. Stop accepting deception and dishonesty. Here are lies that your girlfriend has told you.

I’ve Only Slept With X Amount Of People

This is a classic female fabrication. Whatever your girl’s body count is, multiply it by 11 and you got the real number. So if she says 2, it’s 22. If she says 5, it’s 55. If she says 25, it’s 275 dicks. She’s got tons of sexual skeletons in her closet. She tells you she boinked her long-term ex, but she won’t mention the foursome she had at Bible Camp, or the time she blew Lil Wayne in the bathroom of an Olive Garden in Arkansas.

I’ve Never Cheated On You

You can’t trust people these days. Even if your chick is a bible-humping borderline nun who goes to church 19 times a week and waited 7 months to even give you an over-the-pants handy, she has ruffled the sheets with at least one other person. You know that guy friend she tells you not to worry about? They banged. You know that math teacher she thought was cute? They banged. Remember when she met your racist uncle at Thanksgiving in 2014? Oh, they definitely banged.

I Didn’t Finish Your Box Of Frosted Flakes

So you got a box of Frosted Flakes, it’s about 3 quarters full, and you’re about to have a bowl for breakfast. But then you notice the box is empty. What the hell? You ask your chick if she ate any of your Frosted Flakes, she says, “Of course not,” but the wench is lying. She finished your goddamn Frosted Flakes! She did it without permission or remorse and god dammit she liked it! Sociopathic.

I Didn’t Steal Your Money To Support My Cocaine Addiction

You check your wallet and it’s emptier than the venue at a Hoobastank concert. You check your bank account and it’s emptier than a comedy club at a Pauly Shore Comedy Central special taping. Who the fuck stole your money? Your girlfriend CLAIMS that she didn’t steal all your money to buy 33 grams of coke to do in a one night binge, but make no mistake, she did. It’s why there’s “powdered sugar” all over her face, not because she “ate some donuts.”

I Didn’t Fart

Then where the hell did that goddamn fart come from? It wasn’t you. She claims it was “your dog,” but your dog got ran over by an ice cream truck 2 years ago. Did a fart appear magically appear out of thin air like you’re in some sort of Adam Sandler horror movie? Hell no. She farted. She needs to be held accountable for her criminal activity.

I Didn’t Shoot JFK

She’ll deny it up and down. She’ll say it was Lee Harvey Oswald, or a government conspiracy, or maybe even the mafia. But make no mistake, your girl DID assassinate John F. Kennedy. It was her, just accept it. No matter how much she tries to act like she didn’t do it, that bitch killed Jack.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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