1. The Bored One
She’ll want to leave the entire time. At halftime, she’ll assume that the game is just over so she can go hang out at the dorms, and be with other boring people. She’s refused all six of your punt beer bongs, and will be texting someone the entire time, refusing to engage in the best Sunday Funday of the year. You’re best served not even paying attention to this person after the first quarter, as she’ll only bring you and the party down to her level of misery and boredom. Listen lady, I know you’re late to your GDI freak boyfriend’s Super Bowl pizza, craft beer, and Scrabble party, but that doesn’t give you the right to ruin everyone’s fun by being the biggest fucking Debbie ever.
2. The Know It All
This girl throws out hot words like “coverage”, “blitz,” and “play action” like she’s some kind of pigskin savant. Maybe she knows what she’s talking about, but it’s clearly obvious she just read some article in Cosmo about how to impress boys when you’re watching the Super Bowl. Oh, you blew three football players last semester, too? You‘re a real Boomer Esiason, you are. No, Jeff Garcia is not the 49ers quarterback anymore and no, Ray Lewis is not the greatest linebacker of all-time. Please explain the intricacies of the 3-4 defense and its benefits or dazzle us with how the read option might just change the NFL forever. Please, be my guest.
3. The Inappropriate Drunk
She’s a staple around the frat at all parties and notorious in the bar scene. She wasn’t really even invited, but she showed up anyway. After drinking at the bars all afternoon, she decided to show up before anyone even had a chance to crack their first Natty. She’ll commandeer the beer pong table, plow through all the food, and loudly talk on the phone all throughout the first half before passing out after the halftime show, or maybe a dumpster diving brother will try to scoop her up and take her back to his room for a little halftime slam session. She takes up precious couch space after passing out, infuriating all that are forced to stand. Her sober friends will show up after the third quarter to take her home, mercifully ending the nuisance of her shitfaced presence. There will be a struggle with her friends, but she’ll shortly give up and likely try to start a fight with someone there, effectively ruining the last football Sunday of the year.
4. The Intense Fan
You’ve seen her out every Sunday at the bar, cheering on her hometown team. She’s a verified diehard. She’s got a hand-me-down jersey from her dad that she wears every game day and intently watches every snap of the game, shrieking anytime a linebacker gets near the quarterback. She’s not exactly a knowledgeable fan, but her passion is admirable and she knows her team inside and out. It’s a redeeming and attractive quality, really. Girls that love football are a plus in my book. She’s hot enough that some of the men in attendance are rooting for her squad in hopes of doing a pants-off dance-off if her boys take home the championship, or consoling her over shots of freezer vodka if they are on the losing end. She’s a keeper, this one.
5. The Confused One
Break out the rulebook and have fun explaining the concept of why going for it on fourth down inside your own 50 isn’t a good idea to her. You’ve seen her at enough of your school’s football games to think that she might know the basic rules of football, but I guess the game just doesn’t take to some. But it’s the Super Bowl and everyone deserves to have a good time, whether or not they understand the elementary points of the grand game of American football. Maybe she’ll be impressed by your knowledge of the game and will be curious about your knowledge of other things. Be prepared to rehash the difference between offsides and false starts multiple times. It’ll get annoying around the third commercial break, but she’ll be distracted by talking animals selling beer at that point anyway. However, she will know the name of every single dog in the Puppy Bowl.
6. The Knowledgeable One
Different from the “Know-It-All,” this broad knows all the stats, betting lines, spread, under/over and the name of the third string quarterback. She’s easy on the eyes and a tailgate queen during the fall. Her passion for sports is evident, but she doesn’t really have a rooting interest in the game. Snuggle up next to her on the love seat and strike up a conversation about the Ravens’ third down conversion rate, the Niners’ pass rush or drop her a joke about how Ray Lewis being a legit murderer. She’ll be into it. This girl lives for Saturdays and Sundays. Girls like this are a rarity at any Super Bowl party, but she came to yours. Don’t pass up an opportunity like this.