It doesn’t make sense when sorority girls….
1. Turn the print on some poor grandmothers’ quilt into a Lily Pulitzer dress.
2. Own tiny bitch-dogs, that clearly deserve to be punted.
3. Talk about cats like they aren’t the worst excuse for a pet in the universe.
4. Get a botched tit-job, where it looks like they’re trying to run away from each other.
5. Wear Norts every single day, but scoff at guys who wear gym shorts to class.
6. Squeal like they haven’t seen their sisters for months, when they just saw them an hour ago.
7. Perform inaudible chants that I can only assume have to do with “friendship” “Diet Coke” “dolphins” and/or “flowers.”
8. Have the exact same pose in every single Facebook photo (Hand on hip, tits and ass out somehow at the same time, identical smile).
9. Take the obnoxiously overdone butt pic from behind with their sisters, while they hold their hand signal into the sunset.
10. Snap their fingers in response to a normal human question.
11. Always figure out a way to look significantly prettier in pictures than in person.
12. Somehow always manage to find the “perfect little.”
13. Say they’re ugly just so someone will reassure them that they are not.
14. Pretend that 97% of recruitment isn’t based on how attractive a girl is.
15. Say “I love my sisters” when they really mean “I love some of my sisters, the rest are cunts.”
16. Avoid beer to “cut calories” but still guzzle down a small mountain of fast food at the end of the night.
17. Consistently play the absolute worst music ever conceived.
18. Loudly sing every word of rap songs about bitches and hoes, but get upset when girls aren’t treated with respect.
19. Wear makeup to the gym.
20. Order Starbucks drinks that sound like something out of an Italian porno.
21. Try to discuss politics when they clearly know nothing about it.
22. Use glitter on your Formal cooler. Basically saying, “Here, enjoy this eternal mess.”
23. Somehow always manage to get the “hottest pledge class ever.”
24. Feel bad for pledges who get hazed, but still capitalize on every single free ride home they offer.
25. Wear rainboots just because there’s a 5% chance of rain that day.
26. Drive an enormous SUV that they never manage to park correctly.
27. Wear gigantic heels that they know they won’t be able to walk home in.
28. Spend exorbitant amounts of money on mongramming (towels, norts, toothpaste tubes, etc).
29. Fart. Never thought it was possible.
30. Wear extremely cleavage-friendly tops, but get repulsed out when a guy stares at their tits.
31. Drink well vodka, which is nothing but glorified nail polish remover.
32. Get instantly and uncontrollably horny the moment they hear Luke Bryan’s voice.
33. Make recruitment skits. I’ve never seen one, but I can only assume they’re terrible.
34. Go into Pref night with the sole intention of making girls cry.
35. Act like they understand football when they clearly do not.
36. Sleep with double-digit numbers of guys in the same fraternity, and still expect to be taken seriously.
37. Act bashful when they’re in a bra and underwear, but flaunt their shit like they’re in Victoria’s Secret the second they’re in a bikini.
38. Go to the bathroom in obnoxiously large groups. It’s not like they need help to aim.
39. Talk about how long the line was when they’re in the bathroom, which leads to the bathroom line remaining long.
40. Act like the apocalypse has begun because their ex-boyfriend is in the same room as them.
41. Like Justin Bieber. Newsflash, you are not 11.
42. Act like they’re entitled to partake in whatever alcohol/drugs/food you’re consuming at any given time.
43. Insist they’re “not that drunk” when they can’t handle stairs without toppling down them.
44. Let themselves go. The Freshmen 15 only exists if you stop taking care of yourself.
45. Somehow abbreviate just about every word in the English language. (Abbrev bout every word in the Eng Lang.)
46. Avoid drinking in letters, as if that would stop rumors from spreading if they did something repulsive when wasted.
47. Take awkward big/little pyramid pictures every single time the entire family is together.
48. Say “Always classy, never trashy,” but make Hurricane Isaac look like a light afternoon drizzle when they bring their drunken shitstorm crew to the bars.
49. Don’t swallow. It’s just common courtesy.
50. Force celebrities to throw their sorority gang signs whenever they manage to get in a picture with one.