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There are two things I never tend to watch on TV: MSNBC and basketball. Don’t get me wrong, I like the sport, but I’m just not used to being on the winning side of it. Growing up, I was a New Jersey Nets fan. I got so used to losing after those back-to-back Finals losses that I began adopting the Orlando Magic as my second team. Do you know how not clutch your first team needs to be for you to start rooting for the Orlando freaking Magic? The Nets would go on to get bought by some Russian oligarch just a few billion short of being “Vladimir Putin light” who ended up ditching the industrial wasteland that is the Meadowlands in New Jersey for the hipster nirvana known as Brooklyn. Apparently the Meadowlands are good enough for the Giants, Jets, and the patron saint of New Jersey (Bruce Springsteen) but not the NBA. As far as the NCAA goes, basketball was actually one of the only sports of relevance at my old college. But, even when they were good, they where more known for celebrating on the bench than actual basketball. If the name “Monmouth University” sounds familiar, it’s because ESPN gave us about thirty seconds of airtime last year, and that’s probably the most national media exposure we’ve ever gotten or will ever get.
It’s not just the losing, though. Basketball as a sport bores me, and I’m not the only one. Last week, NBA legend Charles Barkley said that a lack of competitiveness makes the league boring. I mean, you had the Golden State Warriors destructively sweep the Utah Jazz. I’ve seen a more competitive matchup between a 2-legged tortoise and Usain Bolt running the 100M. Also, someone please tell me why their name is the Jazz? What’s so Jazzy about Utah? The skiing, Mitt Romney, the shattered remains of the 2002 Winter Olympics? And don’t get me started on the Warriors. News flash, Warriors fans: if you call your team the “Dubs” one more time simply because your team’s name starts with the letter “w,” I’ll dub thee “least creative fan base in America.”
We need to make professional basketball great again. Here are some ideas.
1. Start with the WNBA. Completely gut every team’s roster. Make one conference’s teams composed solely of NBA players’ ex-wives and the other made up of the mistresses those players cheated on said wives with. Make sure only inter-conference play exists.
2. Add swords. I don’t know how it will be done, but just add swords and have the players do what feels right with them.
3. Start training Tim Tebow so that basketball can be the next sport he “tries” when he realizes he’s not a baseball player but rather a money-grubbing side piece for the Mets organization. C’mon, Mets. Your players are falling down with injuries like flies; if there was ever a time for it to be Tebow time in Queens, it’s now. Otherwise, he’d fit right into the NBA. “Sacramento Kings legend Tim Tebow” has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
4. Replace the NBA Finals with a one-on-one last player standing game between LeBron James and Steph Curry. Whoever wins has their team get championship honors for the season. The game could last days, even weeks, and wouldn’t be over until Commissioner Adam Silver gives a Gladiator-style “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” symbol to one of them.
5. Replace the hardwood with ice. Replace the players’ sneakers with skates. Replace the ball with a puck. Watch hockey instead..
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