March Madness seems to have been designed with the fraternity man in mind. It’s pretty much a combination of everything we love. It involves sports, drinking, and gambling — and it goes on for an extended period of time. You really can’t ask for much more than that. Because March Madness is so entertaining, we obviously love to watch it. Here are five characters that are more than likely watching with you:
1. The Statistician
I love sports. If you don’t, stop reading this column and go fuck yourself. For some reason though, I’ve never understood the people who are obsessed with sports statistics. Unlike others in the room, The Statistician probably has his laptop open with his pen and paper in hand, ready to jot down quick notes and crunch numbers. While others are getting heavily intoxicated, and talking shit about other’s bracket choices, and watching their own brackets fall to pieces (WHAT THE FUCK FGCU?), this guy is focused on PTS, REB, AST, STL, and BLK stats. Personally, I’d rather enjoy the game than do math, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.
2. The Know-Nothing
No, this person isn’t a member of the mid-eighteenth century political party that opposed immigration and the Catholic Church, although Daniel Day-Lewis’ character in Gangs of New York was. Honestly, it’s annoying as hell to watch any sporting event with The Know-Nothing. It’s probably similar to the first time a father takes his son to a sporting event. Like the little boy, The Know-Nothing is full of questions. After every call, The Know-Nothing will ask you to explain the rule behind it. When it comes to an argument over a controversial decision by the refs, The Know-Nothing will usually just repeat what someone else has just said, whether he agrees with it or not. The Know-Nothing’s bracket is based solely on seeding, rather than personal affinity or expected outcome. Unfortunately for The Know-Nothing, his bandwagon strategy wasn’t too successful this year.
3. The Armchair Athlete
Some people can’t stop trying to relive their glory days of 2A high school sports. The Armchair Athlete is one of those people. Though he was decent in high school, and is probably a good intramural asset, he clearly isn’t that good. If he was that good, he’d be playing rather than watching. Regardless of his actual abilities, The Armchair Athlete thinks he’s a great player. So great, in fact, that he’s better than those actually playing in the game you’re watching. You’ll probably hear him say things like, “Come on, anyone could have made that shot,” or, “How could you not block that?” He thinks the college athletes on screen are playing like shit, but imagine what it would look like if his 5’9” scrawny ass was out there.
4. The Girl
There’s always one, isn’t there? Nobody is sure why she’s there. Maybe a brother invited her over to “watch the game” and she actually is watching the game, which means he is a failure. Maybe she brought food over and decided to stay. Regardless, having a girl over at the house during a game can be interesting, to say the least. More than likely, she’ll be pretty similar to The Know-Nothing. She’ll have no idea what is going on, and will just be watching for the commercials or whatever it is chicks get off to these days. Sometimes, the girl will try to prove that she knows what she’s talking about. 99 percent of the time, she will have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, and you can tell her how cute she is for thinking she understands man things. There’s always that one percent though, who actually understand sports. They’re a rarity in this life. I myself have never encountered one personally. I’ve heard stories, though, and from what I understand, they’re just as annoying as the girls who don’t know what they’re talking about.
5. The Guy Who Only Came To Drink
I guarantee you’ll have one of these with you while you watch your bracket selection lose to some school you’ve never heard of. The Guy Who Only Came To Drink is simple. He’s only there to drink. He might even let you know that he has no interest in watching basketball, and only wants to get shitfaced. He has no shame. In fact, he seems pretty damn proud. The only reason he came over is so that he wouldn’t be drinking alone. Be careful, if The Guy Who Only Came To Drink sees you are upset over a call or outcome of a game, he too will show his outrage. The only difference is, while you may hang your head in sorrow, he might destroy your flatscreen.
No matter who comes over, enjoy March Madness while you can. You won’t have a better opportunity to gamble on kids whose tuition you pay for until football season.