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One of the many luxuries afforded to Greeks is our networks and our ability to meet different people from all over the country, or even the world. Many of us are in fraternities that are spread out all over the nation and reach from coast to coast. From the bourbon rich hills of the south, to the ragers on the west coast, our chapters spread all over and reflect the culture of several different regions of our beautiful country.
/wipes single tear from cheek
National conventions are usually held by most organizations, and living in the Midwest (if you missed my name), most of them are closely located to me. National conventions are a great way to meet other chapters and your countless brothers from numerous schools. However, these meetings are not always as great as you might think. In fact, they are typically fucking awful. Most of the time you are there you have to hear some bullshit about how, “hazing doesn’t build brotherhood,” hour long panelists discuss “chapter success plans,” and a clear lie about how “partying will not define your chapter.” (Because everybody knows that girls with low morals are dying to sleep with the guy that completed the most community service). The group activities you will be forced to do also make the experience pretty awful, but some of the guys you will meet make it even worse. Below is a list of the type of chapters you will meet at your fraternity’s national convention.
The Less Desirables
These boners come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, most of the time they are a colony that just started up and had an extremely small pledge class. These guys wouldn’t be that bad if they didn’t think they were so similar to you, or if they just didn’t fucking talk to you. Unfortunately though, you will usually have to talk to these guys during a group exercise or something stupid. Conversations tend to go like this:
Boner: Hey you’re from the Alpha Alpha chapter right?
You: Yeah, you’re from the Omega Omega chapter… I mean colony right?
Boner: Yeah, but it’s pretty much the same as a chapter. We have a HUGE pledge class this semester so we’re only getting better.
Boner: Yeah we had 10 guys! I can’t wait to haze me some pledges, right? It’ll be the worst three weeks of their lives!
You: Your guys pledge for three weeks?
Boner: Yeah, isn’t that a lot? We make them clean our dorms and we yell at them for no reason. Isn’t that what you guys do? I figure we’re pretty much the same. Haha, TFTC right? Let’s be best friends, brother.
Try to avoid those guys at all costs, it will be nothing but painful when they talk to you. Give them credit though, they are trying to spread the joy of your fraternity to the rest of their school. In fact, your proud chapter might have even looked like this at one point, but keep a distant respect. Typically don’t even admire the right chapter, instead they usually admire……
The “Perfect” Chapter
These guys are guys are the chapter that nationals absolutely LOVES, they win all the major awards and for a good reason.
Your Relay for Life team raised 5,000 dollars? They were able to find, without the aid of adderall, a cure for cancer.
Your chapter put together a successful food drive for the homeless? They created a stimulus package that lowered the unemployment rate, thus helping the homeless buy food for themselves. TEACH A MAN TO FISH, MOTHERFUCKERS.
You raised relieve efforts for the families affected by 9/11? Several of their pledges were on Seal Team 6.
They actually have their heads and hearts in the right place and their recognition definitely reflects that. These guys are the “perfect” chapter, but when you talk to them, you notice things are a little off with them. You start to talk to them and one of the first things you notice is they don’t party, at least not like us. Most of them are pre-something and within the next 20 years, several members of their chapter will be congressmen. What sucks about these guys though, is they think they are better than everybody because they have functioning livers. They are the reason RFMs exist, and they will always look down upon those who like to have a good time, especially…
The Stoner Chapter
These are the guys nationals HATE. They don’t do anything, they are the reason why the speakers talk forever about risk management, and they all look a step above homeless. While most chapters receive various types of awards, or at least get recognized, they guys don’t even have their names mentioned. When all the other chapters have good attendance and numbers for these conventions, these guys only send three members. You can usually smell these burnouts from the moment they arrive. There tend to be a long list of reasons why these guys stray so far from the path. Maybe they were a chapter that lost quality members or funds. Perhaps they were a colony that never really took off, despite gaining chapter status. Whatever their problem may be, it won’t be long before these guys lose their charter. Nationals will probably revoke it or one of them will drop a joint and the whole goddamn house will go up in flames.
The Psychotic Chapter
If nationals hates “The Stoner Chapter” for its general worthlessness, they simultaneously detest and are terrified of “The Psychotic Chapter.” These guys might have a pending sexual assault case. Campus police put on body armor before breaking up parties at this house. They’re definitely on probation, from both nationals and their school. They haze balls. Like front page news, haze balls. Like they could make your pledge trainer cry, haze balls. Viking Berserkers were said to have a blood lust, this chapter has a haze lust, and it’s insatiable. Do not leave them alone with a sofa, it will ignite. Oh and their livers are more decrepit than an Irish hobo’s. A lot of people are surprised they even showed up, as communication with the chapter had gone dark months ago.
So why do they even exist? Well, most likely they’re a storied chapter, at a state school (like say an SEC university) or a wealthy, well known, institution (think SMU or an Ivy). What that means is that they have prominent alumni. Alumni who would like to keep that chapter around.
The Normal Chapter
That’s you, probably. Realistically it’s a mix of The “Perfect” Chapter, The Stoner Chapter, with a dash of Psychotic Chapter for good measure. You drink, you haze, you rage, you pull quality ass, you have some campus leaders and a pretty good philanthropy. You’re normal, what the hell else do you want to hear?
Even if you don’t run into any of these chapters, you probably aren’t going to have the time of your life at nationals. My advice is to stay away from these conventions but if you are forced to go, try to make the most of it. Who knows, you could prove me wrong.