1. No Job
I’m so old I’m assuming the Billy Madison role reminding you to cherish this time. “Cherish it!” For most of us, this charade ends after sophomore summer, in which our parents start to realize “fuck he might graduate soon,” ending the sort of fun filled purgatory undergrad is before work or grad school.
Though you’re not making money, country clubs almost universally allow “family charges” with a number or pin code, making for 90 days of “free” food, clothes, beers, and most importantly: rounds. Get your handicap under 10 with the sort of perpetually tanned smile everybody will hate you for.
2. Assistant Golf Pro
An excuse to spend your time on the course with doctor’s wives, influential people (able to golf all day during the week = influence) worm your way into prized tee times, and get paid to do it. Ogle the teenage lifeguards you know you shouldn’t fuck (at least legally) scam beers from the likely easy slam of a cart girl, and birdie your way to a junior summer internship in the corporate world. Be prepared though, matches with members can be high stakes and high pressure. Win members cash, you’ll be rewarded. The trickle down effect is real, no matter what Bernie Sanders says. If you’ve got the game, put it to use.
3. Investment Bank Intern
The stuff of legend, you could be the first of your friends “set for life” (independently, at least) if work doesn’t kill you first. While the other options on the list may be far less stressful, arduous, and at times sadistic, heading back to campus with Goldman on your resume will open doors, and legs. Ideally your rival frat nemesis will return from his “bartending” gig looking a trimester deep in pregnancy, while the now guaranteed 6 figures of your early twenties leads him to alcoholism, and his girl to you. Trust me, the stories of intern torture are about as honest as a brother’s summer sexual exploits: a lot of embellishment, but definite hints of truth.
4. Congressional/Senate Aid
One of the best experiences I’ve ever had, and surprisingly not as difficult to obtain as you’d think. Most Senators take 8-10 interns throughout the summer, and while your work won’t be glamorous (mostly responding to enraged constituency emails, calls, giving Capital tours, etc) living in DC (if your parents can afford it) and bumping into some of the World’s most influential people, is a Summer I’d recommend for anyone interested in politics. Basically everyone in DC is young, as the full time post grad positions pay terribly but are used as a resume builder before moving to law school or the private sector, and dangerously horny. DC has the highest per capita enrollment in “AshleyMadison.com” of any city in the continental United States. Everybody is fucking everybody. If you’re a poli-sci major, give your local congressional office a call. But be prepared: when you see first hand how inefficient our government is, you’ll either be ecstatic to run for office (like me) or jumping on the Trump bandwagon.
5. TFM Freelance Writer
Roast me all you fucking want, it’s true. Yea, the pay is shit (and by shit I mean accidentally eating Mexican ice cubes kind of shit) but how else can you get paid to sit by the pool writing stories about cumshots and gambling? Whether you’re crucified like CatalinaCoke or beloved like Karl Karlson, the comment sections are a good time and the anonymity makes everything a little more honest. And of course less shameful to your family and friends. Write a column on the drive to the cottage, busy morning waiting for your tee time, or in an inflatable raft, “you miss every shot you don’t take.”
If you’re like me, building your summer occupation around the bare necessities: women, beer, golf, and the lake, cannot steer you wrong..