After a while, everyone grows weary of sophomores who’ll do anything for lukewarm Keystone and a few GB hits and it’s time for a new challenge. What better proving ground for your closing ability than the bar?
College bars are a wonderful starting place to showcase your charm. You’ll find attraction in all forms at any on-campus watering hole worth its salt (and lime). Some patrons will fall for you easier than every sports team nursing a 3-1 playoffs lead falls these days, but others are a bit tougher and could take more time, money, and skill. We’re shooting from half-court here and going for the bartender.
The female barkeeps around campus are typically debt-mired post-grads languishing in dim watering holes to help pay off an ill-planned Philosophy degree, fail-outs with no self-imposed curfew, or misandrous, short-haired, and tattooed women from the cross-town, private school, though a few commonalities exist between them regardless — their looks being the most prevalent, and really the only one worth mentioning. Most are prickly bitches who don’t want to be hit on, but some can be enchanted if you know what you’re doing.
Before firing off any low-success pickup lines or complimenting the bartender on the same choice of leggings she makes every Friday night, lay down a fat tip. We’re talking more than the standard $1 per drink. You need to set a strong foundation; you won’t lay pipe with the hot bartender by being a tightwad. Establish that you not only understand service protocol, but you/your parents are also loaded. Maybe she’ll think you just landed a gig as a solutions developer with a Big 4 accounting firm. Perhaps she’ll just assume your dad’s a hedge fund manager and he’s not very diligent in checking the ledger. Better yet, she might realize you’re just terrible with money and assume most of it ends up splashed on the outer wall or slurped up your nose. Regardless, good tips plant seeds.
Make A Personal Connection
After you’ve slipped her a couple Jacksons over the course of a few bar sessions — remember, it’s hard to make this shit happen overnight — start forging the personal element, and establish yourself not only as a “regular,” but as one of her regulars. Don’t worry if you tip your hand. By now, she’s sure to know that your end goal — like many other guys’ — is to get your rocks off. Start holding her attention by pretending to care about stuff that interests her while understanding that bartending is a social sport. Once you’ve connected with her more than her typical customer does, begin to move the relationship outside of the bar walls.
Most will fail at this, the third step. If she’s not smelling what you’re cooking up, she’ll balk at the idea of relations outside the confines of stale beer, dim lights, and perpetual stickiness. But, as luck should have it, most bartenders also like to party. Their predilections range from gals who enjoy a few glasses of wine over the sounds of a thunderstorm to full-blown coke fiends that want to steal a pontoon boat to cross international waters for tequila since “José is so much better in Cancún” (I’ve cut my teeth on the latter). Don’t make the rookie mistake of inviting them back to the chapter house for the younger dildos playing Rocket League at 2 A.M. to gawk at, though. She won’t be too impressed by a frat house. Suggest someplace different; another bar or club next weekend (or later that night if she’s off at a decent hour). At this point, she sort of trusts you; she knows you’re ready to snap bands and that you know a good time. In other words, you’re well on you way.
Be Prepared To Close
Closing is the toughest part. There’s a multitude of ways to fuck this up — from your Sperrys smelling like red tide to welcoming her to your twin-sized bed as it lay covered by paper-stiff Spiderman sheets. The best way to close is to circumvent all your personal variables and suggest going back to her apartment. Offer to bring some favors to keep the party going and she’ll be more likely to accept this advance. As is always the case, don’t be too fucked up to deliver an encore performance, should the situation arise.
If You Fuck This Up, You Lose Your Bar
The most important consideration when closing on a hot bartender is that if things don’t work out, you’re out a bar. Whether your little engine arrives too soon — or doesn’t make it out of the station at all — you’ll lose any favoritism she once showed you. Worse yet, feelings may germinate. You and she might go out and hook up a few more times before things come crashing back to Earth as you realize it’s incredibly hard to mesh lifestyles with someone who works third shift serving liquor to drunk guys with intent similar to that which you used this column to propagate. In such a tragic and inevitable scenario, your best course of action is, sadly, finding a new bar..
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