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You know the feeling. You’re in a public location, a few beers deep, and nature comes a’calling. You have a few options here. You can piss yourself like an infant, be a complete wuss and wait in line, or you can be a damn man and whip it out to drain the main vein. I don’t know about the rest of you, but taking a leak outside is the only time I really feel free. Sadly, this expression of self is generally frowned upon by the rest of “civilized” society. Luckily, your buddy Karl is here to ensure that you mark your territory in a manner that is both discreet and effective. I’ve been around a while and seen a few things, so I can guarantee you that these five tips will leave you feeling both relieved and free as a bird.
*Notice: If you get arrested don’t fucking call me*
1. Location, Location, Location
This might seem like a no-brainer to the experienced public urinator, but you’d be surprised how many people forget to check their six while they let the lizard run free. While recklessness is definitely a bid worthy trait, when it results in having to introduce yourself to the neighborhood it can bite you in the ass. Knowing where you are and who might flip their shit is absolutely essential. If you’re at the lake or the beach, the smart thing to do is just “go for a quick swim” and let it go. When you’re at a bar, the situation is infinitely trickier. For some reason, the only place there’s ever a line for the men’s room is at a drinking establishment. It’s probably all the assholes who decide to take a dump in the bathroom where a person just yakked, or maybe the guys blowing their nose in the stall. You crazy kids know what I’m talking about. This means you need to slip over the smoking deck and find a back left tire to unleash the stream, or you can be ballsy and do the old “under the bar” trick. This means you’ll have to deal with the possibility of pissing on your shoes, or in much worse situations someone else’s. The risk involved with that makes the tire a much more agreeable option, but I don’t know your life. Maybe you like getting roughed up by security.
2. Don’t Put It All On The Table
This is another classic mistake. For some reason unknown to God or man, some dudes feel the need to let the whole hog roam when they’re relieving themselves in public. This follows the same rules as a negotiation, you don’t start with your best offer. That’s for guys who are trying to get bought out and still have to work until 65. In this situation however, retirement is replaced with a night in a cell and people giving you the side-eye when you walk across campus. As we’ve already established, the lower your visibility the less likely you are to get caught. This is a sneaking mission, and if Solid Snake gets caught you’re going to be in a heap of trouble. Just unzip and adjust for the ability to piss with the art of invisibility on your side. This provides a second option which utilizes a fashion staple: 5” inseams. If you’re capable of it, and nobody’s here to judge if you aren’t, slip it down the leg of your shorts and get to flowing. Just have a few wet wipes handy in the event that you get piss on your leg. Or be a sport and play through.
3. Manage Your People
The biggest benefit of being in a fraternity is that people always have your back. While that’s often just a metaphor, in this situation it applies literally. Having a couple buddies, or ideally pledges, to keep an eye out is essential to proper public pee procedure or P4. If it’s just you and a couple friends, have them play it cool and have their heads on a swivel. This is simplest in the dark, so the situation changes greatly in sunny conditions. Luckily, your handy indentured servants are there to save the day. If you’re at a tailgate and find yourself in a “high pressure situation”, make like The Donald and build that wall. The smart types will know what’s going on when they walk by, but they’re wary enough to know that making a scene will likely result in you making the Pledge Class use Beatdown, and that shit is super effective. Your pledges will likely get a few wary looks, but the GDI’s who pass by are clueless enough as is. By the time a cop might happen by, you’ll be packed back in your slacks and they’ll have nothing on you. If someone calls it hazing, just say you’re instilling the values of teamwork and interdependency on the pledges, give them all hugs, and tell them you’re so proud. Then do whatever it is that you guys do at a later date.
4. Go Green
Bushes, whether the presidential variety or the natural kind, are a red blooded American’s best friend. Shrubbery provides us with more majestic lawns, places to hide in case of emergency, and a way to get in touch with nature while we do our business. Carolina Cup, that most majestic of events, was this past weekend and provided plenty of instances to hone this tactic. Some people find Port-a-John’s to be disgusting cesspools for one reason or another and won’t touch them. I’m of the mind that it’s one of the only places you can light a stogie on the can, but I’m a monster. Since the lines at events like the Cup are bananas, some of my buddies decided to take a more indirect approach and utilize the terrain. I’ll give you a direct quote from a buddy of mine, who we’ll call Samwise due to the fact he could be an extra in a Lord of the Rings movie, which summed up his experience with bushes. “I pissed in a bush with my dick completely inside the bush. It felt really great.” You heard it here first guys, your dick in a bush feels really great. Just be wary of thorns.
5. Use The Company Car
Whether it’s a Tahoe, a truck, or someone’s trusty Jeep, you’re likely to have a vehicle on location. If there’s too much crowd to pull off your P4, you’re going to have to use a tried and true road trip tactic. Secure a bottle (not a can, for safety purposes), climb in the back seat, reposition yourself on your knees, and get to going. This one, while likely your safest option if you have tinted windows is tricky for a different reason. Chances are, nobody’s drinking Gatorade at an event like this. That means you’ll be left with a beer bottle, the mouths of which are notoriously slim. You’re just as likely to piss all over yourself and your buddy’s car as you are to make a shot like that while intoxicated. For this reason, I recommend the use of a cup that can be easily disposed of. If you’re sick enough to turn it into a spitter later, then you need a whole different list that’s well above my pay grade.
So there it is folks. The next time you have an urging for a purging, just remember the advice from your good buddies here at TFM and find a spot to take your shot. Chances are if you play it cool and don’t act like a jackass, you’ll find yourself doubly relieved.
Seriously though, I’m not bailing you out..