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Back to school articles are horseshit. There, I said it. The basic premise of every single one is “Hey, you. Don’t be a fuck-up.” If you don’t know that by now, you have as good a shot at changing your ways as Rickie Fowler has at not looking like a traffic cone.
“We’re seniors, dammit,” you say. “We know what we’re doing. Stop giving us shitty advice and tell us something mildly interesting.”
Well, you’re in luck. This list is for you. This is a short list of things you should check off before your school spits you out into the real world to fend for yourself with nothing but your wits, your superhuman liver, and your dad’s credit card (for emergencies only, of course).
While this list is not comprehensive, it should give you something to work on between skipping class and not applying for the job your dad already guaranteed you.
1. Tell that one professor to go fuck him- or herself.
You know who that professor is. More than likely, he or she taught a gen ed you were forced to take. It was an intro to anthropology class, wasn’t it? Knew it. That bastard. The class is a huge joke that everyone but the professor is in on. Fifty pages of reading? Term papers? Individual projects? Yeah, good luck with that one. Like any dignified person, you put forth minimal effort and got a terrible grade. Now is the time to let this professor know how you feel. Write him or her a letter, interrupt a lecture, send the professor a stripper-gram–get creative and find a meaningful way to get your point across.
Pro Tip: If you’re unlucky enough to have one of these assholes during your senior year, show your wrath from day one. If he or she tries to make class go long, get up mid-lecture and assert your dominance (if you even go to class). Make your displeasure public.
2. Try to get drunk with your favorite professor.
For every piece of shit blowhard you’ve encountered, chances are that you’ve also had a professor you actually enjoyed. This is the professor who would cut you slack, extend deadlines, give the same test 15 straight years, and not care that you had a copy of it in your back pocket. This professor, for lack of a better phrase, just gets it. Get a beer with him or her. Treat this professor like a normal human. A person in this professor’s position probably has some crazy stories he or she never gets to tell. This professor can also be helpful when grad school applications roll around and you need a recommendation.
Pro Tip: If this professor is of the opposite sex (or same sex if you fly that way–do you, man) and the opportunity presents itself, fucking go for it. Bagging a professor is a story that will live on for eternity.
3. Get uncomfortably drunk at wildly inappropriate times.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s 11 a.m. on a Tuesday and you have nothing but hazing to do for the rest of the day? Crack open a cold one or 30. Unless you make Warren Buffett amounts of money and never have to work again, you’ll never have an opportunity to do this kind of stuff for the rest of your life.
4. Go down swinging for your unicorn.
A unicorn, for those of you who were never exposed to any stories as a child, is the mythical beast that is seldom seen and rarely caught. In college, a unicorn takes the form of an unobtainable girl–the girl who, try as you might, is impervious to all your drunken charm. Everyone has different terms for this creature, but it is a universal concept. Even Jay Gatsby, legendary badass, had his Daisy (read a book, you illiterate fucks). She doesn’t have to be incredibly attractive or remarkable in any way, really. She’s just the girl who will haunt you forever as “the one who got away.” So pull out all the stops. Try all your lines. Break out your terrible moves. Put on a fucking show. If it doesn’t work, she was always a bitch anyway.
Pro Tip: This one will probably take some time. Don’t rush it. Or just say fuck it and text Sarah or Shannon or whatever her name is.
5. Keep your priorities in order.
This one is cliché, but make sure you enjoy your last year (or two, if you’re a lucky bastard). Don’t make up excuses to ditch quality time with your brothers. You’re tired? Hungover? Have homework? Shut up. And for fuck’s sake, do not let any girl get in the way of your life during your senior year, unless you’re going to hang it up and marry her, in which case, she shouldn’t care if you want to shotgun golf five days in a row, anyway.
This is the last of the greatest years of your life and it should be treated as such. You only get to do this once.
Carpe diem, motherfuckers.