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With the end of spring semester right around the corner, I’m sure a lot of you can already smell the godawful stench that will emanate from your house this summer. Those pledges won’t be pledges anymore, and you’ll be hard-pressed to get much cleaning productivity out of anyone that lives in. Over the weekend, I wrote up a few ideas to get you and your brothers out of the house and having fun, but the reality is that you’ll be spending quite a bit of time in the house no matter what. Rather than falling into a routine of basking in your house’s disgusting summertime glory, I’ve come up with a few activities to help you make the most of your living situation.
Anyone remember those Calvin and Hobbes comics from when you were a kid? That cheeky fucker Calvin always played a game called ‘Calvinball’, in which he made up the rules to suit him as the game went along. The reason I bring this up is that you can bring the maturity level of a fictional six-year-old into a classic game of house mini golf. Say you have the holes all set up across the various levels of your house, and your scorecards are ready. Should be a good game, right? Well surprise, dirtbag, somebody just made up a rule that bans the use of golf clubs and putters. Now your foursome is parading around your chapter house with a baseball bat, a paddle, a cutting board, and a pool noodle. Good luck with that. Creativity goes a long way with this game, as each member of your group can come up with one rule.
The summer is a great time to get some deep cleaning done and reorganize your room, but that’s not at all what I’m referring to. I’m talking about reorganizing a brother’s room without his knowledge, while he’s away for the summer. Once you break into his room, let your imagination run wild in this twisted episode of Extreme Makeover: Unwanted Edition. Are his walls looking a little bare? Some Nickelback and “I’m Ready for Hillary” posters will get rid of all that negative space. Mix that in with your rival school’s bedspread and some embarrassing framed photos of the brother, and you’ll give him the cringeworthy return home that he never expected.
Breach and Clear
Yet another one that involves breaking into a brother’s room, only this time he’s in the room. If he’s hanging out in there with a lady friend, you can drop in under the guise that you’re delivering mail to him. Find a piece of junk mail addressed to him, light up a few long-fuse firecrackers and toss them in, reseal the envelope, and approach his door. Give a courtesy knock, pop into his room and nonchalantly say “Letter came in for you”, then get out of there. The loud explosion followed by the awful stench of smoke will no doubt ruin the mood, and your job is done, you asshole.
Start an MMA Circuit
It can be a lot of fun to gather around the TV and watch Pay-Per-View fights with your brothers, but you’ll oftentimes be spending a premium for an underwhelming fight. You can mitigate these costs by bringing the fights right into your living room and cutting out the middle man altogether. Now, you’ll notice that I said “MMA Circuit”, and not “Fight Club”. You’re not trying to maim each other, and you’re definitely not trying to use glorified terrorism to fight against consumerist ideals. You’re in a fraternity, you love capitalism. You can put this to work by arranging betting rings for these matches and offering tall boys or other prizes to the winners. This also carries an added benefit: At many schools, at least one fraternity organizes a philanthropy event with some sort of boxing or wrestling tournament. If you and your degenerate brothers are beating the pulp out of each other all summer, you’re all but guaranteed to make one hell of a run in such a tournament.
Strap a GoPro to Your Drunkest Brother
Chances are you have a guy that spends the summer in a perpetual drunken state, blacking out by sundown and getting into a lot of weird situations. By equipping this fellow with an all-seeing eye, you’ll be able to compile some really questionable footage of all his adventures. You can finally capture all of his infantile interactions with other people, as well as any wall-punching or roof-climbing antics that he may get into. The GoPro was basically invented to document peoples’ exciting feats of exploration and athleticism, and this is your chance to use it for the polar opposite of its intended purpose. An added benefit of this is that you’ll have video evidence of any damages this brother might cause..