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Spring break season is once again upon us. Thousands of freshly stressed-out college kids are rolling into spring break destinations all over North America — along with dozens of beer trucks and unmarked white vans with various narcotic cargo. I could write up a whole manifesto on spring break. The five to seven days seem to mesh together into one big festival of fuckery. Stuff happens that will never be spoken of again. There’s a reason so many older people have fond flashbacks and space out with a huge smile on their face whenever spring break is mentioned. It’s truly a once in a lifetime experience that should be taken full advantage of.
If you’re a regular reader of this site, or are even close enough associated with someone as to be linked to this article, then you’ve probably already got more than enough motivation to get your ass to the beach this March. However, for the sake of the unenlightened that may be on the fence of whether or not the whole ordeal is worth it, here are some reasons why going on spring break is a basic college necessity.
1. Peer Pressure
No doubt your friends will be hyping the absolute shit out of spring break, and for good reason. Newsflash: It’s a fucking riot of fun.
One of the things that makes spring break so great is the experiences you will share with friends. The shit you will get into, and the fun you will have will make you closer. Men come together and bond by going through crazy shit together — be it a war or whatever. Since spring break is basically a war fueled by alcohol and desire for vagina, it more than qualifies.
Also, I guarantee you will be talking about stories from spring break well into your later years. You will probably have moments when you see your friend holding his firstborn child for the first time and smiling with his wife, talking about how amazing the future is going to be, and all you’re going to be thinking of is that man — who is now a father — has a tattoo of a hot dog with a smiley face on his ass cheek.
2. New Levels of Ignorance
If there was ever a time to check out of any critical thinking for a week and act almost purely on instinct like a caveman, this spring break is that time. Let the testosterone flow freely through you as you steadily suppress it with each chugged beer. Crack cans on your forehead, drink all night long, get an inner-lip tattoo. It doesn’t matter; it’s spring break.
The shit you can do during this week on the beach is shit unlike you have ever seen or possibly even considered doing back home. Something about being in a foreign environment for a finite amount of time just strangely motivates you to do extremely inappropriate things to both yourself and your surroundings. It is quite a strange phenomenon. Just know that even though not everything you do on spring break will follow you home, things that can be detected via a swab have a bad habit of doing so.
3. Guilt-Free Ass
“It’s spring break, so it doesn’t count.”
I have heard these exact words verbatim come from a girl’s mouth. I don’t know if she was talking about a boyfriend she had, or if she was a “virgin,” but since she got fucked in the municipality of Panama City it somehow created an invisible force field around her hymen. Either way, girls brains are on maximum over-justify mode when they’re on spring break. She could approach you cold at the bar, pull down your pants, lift up her skirt, and back her ass into you without you moving a muscle, and STILL find a way to say it’s not her fault. In other words, the poosy is easy.
4. It’s an Escape from Shitty Weather
I have developed a deep appreciation for nice weather living in Chicago all of my teen and adult life. Seeing as there are months out of the year where merely walking outside makes if feel like your face got stuffed in a hornet’s nest, nothing makes me happier than a forecast of sunny and eighty degrees. It’s awesome, after four to five months of shitty cold and snow, to just get the fuck out. Sure, it’ll probably go back to being shitty for at least another few weeks after you get home, but it’s also cool knowing summer is right around the corner. If you already live somewhere where it’s nice year round, then skip this reason and forward me a school application.
5. It’s Once In a Lifetime
Going on spring break with college kids when you’re any older than late twenties becomes just all around sort of weird. Sure you can still go, but at this point, the level of interest you would have becomes diminished. You’d be better off going to Vegas. You may think of ditching the whole vacation all together in exchange for working and scraping up some extra money over spring break. Unless you are flat broke — which would mean you probably can’t go anyway — I don’t recommend this move.
Snarky ass nerds and pseudo-intellectuals will say things like “you’re drinking on the beach? How barbaric. I’m working this internship at the McDouchingcock Art Gallery to enrich my mind.” Yeah, tell that to the cheerleader who’s currently licking sand off my balls. You have your whole life to work, hustle, and grind. Hell, that should be what you’re doing during the week at school anyway. If you can’t take a week out of your life to go out and enjoy yourself, then what’s the damn point of making that money in the first place? Looking at you “I’m better than spring break” crowd..