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Praise sweet baby Jeebus. The first week of college football season is upon us, which means it’s time to get all sorts of rowdy at that inaugural tailgate. But you can’t just waltz on into a parking lot tent with a six pack of Mich Ultra and a good attitude and assume that people will make way for you like you’re the King of the Rager.
You’re not here to collect a participation trophy like a snowflake. You’re here to assert complete and utter dominance. You already knew that though, right? Of course you did, but it’s early in the year and your tailgate game is probably a little rusty. So, as a refresher course, here are a few ways to get you started on your path to tailgate supremacy.
1. Bring liquor.
That poser who shows up with a case of Natty Light? He’s playing checkers. You? You’re playing chess. And to let everyone know that you’re the certified Bobby Fischer up in this bitch, you need to bring liquor. We’re talking at least three handles worth. Preferably cheap spiced rum, because it’s seasonal as fuck.
It helps if you do significant damage to one of the handles before you even show up to the tailgate to further assert your dominance.
2. Take playing catch way too seriously.
After you’re a few beer bong rips and several handle pulls deep, zero in on someone with a football (never bring your own football – you’re guaranteed to leave it behind) and immediately demand a game of catch.
Always, and this is crucial, make sure your catch partners go deep and be sure to always overthrow them. If you’re not denting a few cars during this process, you’re not doing it right. Overthrows and fastballs. Make their hands hurt.
3. Talk mad amounts of shit to opposing fans.
Anyone who identifies as a fan of the opposing team, whether it’s verbally or via some sort of swag, is going down. I don’t care if the team you’re up against is a perennial powerhouse or a cupcake team or if the fan in question is a newborn baby or a World War II veteran. These people are the enemy and need to be treated as such.
Swing for the fences on this. Make it personal if you can. It’s the only way your enemies will fear you.
4. Puke and rally in full view of as many people as possible.
If you’re doing it right, you’re going to puke and rally at least once during the course of the tailgate. But don’t find a quiet place to spew like some sort of coward. A true tailgate warrior doesn’t hide the scars of battle.
This means that you need to puke and rally in full view of as many tailgate goers as possible. For full effect, pick out a particularly docile-looking individual, look them right in the eye, and vom to your heart’s content without breaking eye contact. Then, after you’re finished, walk slowly up to them and say softly yet deliberately, “beer me.”
5. Be the first one in and the last one to leave.
Like Mel Gibson’s character in We Were Soldiers, you need to be the first one into the tailgate and the last to leave. Only amateurs actually go to the game. You’re in this for the long haul. You need to stay planted at that tailgate until the parking lot attendants literally drag you away.
Important note: It’s more than likely none of the things done in the name of asserting tailgate dominance will get you laid. Many of the women in your near vicinity will find you repulsive. In fact, most people will probably view you as an insufferable hardass. That’s fine. A tailgate isn’t for making friends or pulling trim. That’s reserved for the late night festivities. So, after the tailgate is all over, go take a nap, clean yourself up, rail a few lines of addy, and save the popularity contest for round 2..