Yesterday was my first day of classes, and with that came the classic icebreaker exercises wherein everyone goes around the room and shares a fun fact about themselves. I’ll be honest with you people; I am only one icebreaker into the semester, and my head is about to explode. Sadly, it seems that an unsettling amount of my peers are, to put it eloquently, total dickheads. Here are just five of the many atrocious people whose “fun facts” I was forced to endure.
5. The guy whose fact is that he’s never been on an airplane
Oh, so your family is poor? Why would you out yourself like that? This person makes the list just for being an idiot.
But Dent, aren’t all college kids broke? I shouldn’t be ashamed about that. WRONG.
The cliché that nobody cares about appearances as you grow up is a total farce. All high school kids were broke, too, but that didn’t stop the rich kids from taking every possible chance to piss all over you. Until you’re in the real world, money will always trickle down from your parents, and people will gravitate towards that money. No chick wants to go to a bar with a guy that she knows is broke.
So telling your whole class that you don’t have any cash day one is not the most intelligent play. Just stare into your Acer netbook and hope next semester gets here fast, because this one is already a total wash.
4. The person who shouts out Jesus as their best friend
THREE KIDS did this today. Look, I would never criticize anyone for their religion (unless you’re into some goofy shit like Scientology), but it is the first day of class. Chill with all that noise.
Tell us that you know how to juggle or you have a favorite sports team. You know, normal people shit. Don’t go off on a tangent about religion. That kind of aggression is only going to alienate people.
You wouldn’t lead off with that in any other setting. That’s not how you start a job interview, and unless you met on Christian Mingle, that’s no way to begin a big first date. Even if the person on the other end of the table agrees with you, they will surely be off-put by how quickly you pulled that card. Wait until things get a little more serious to bring up your strong views.
3. The person who makes it a point to state that they are passionate about the environment
Trees are sweet and all, but if that is your one true passion in life then we aren’t going to click, compadre. Stop trying to spread your tree-hugging rhetoric.
If you love the environment so much, then what are you doing in the business college? Hate to spoil it, but the business world isn’t always the most green. Why not biology or some shit? Too dumb to pass the sciences courses? You just inadvertently exposed your inferiority to the whole room.
The worst part is that this echoturd sat down right next me, and I wasn’t sharp enough to recognize his distinct scent of weed and misguided opinions until it was too late.
2. The girl who tells the class that her best skill is problem solving so as to make everyone around her better
It shouldn’t shock anyone that this came from someone of the opposite sex. No dude would be confident enough to pull this type of narcissism. This is a timeless maneuver by your basic Caucasian female. Whether it be a Stephanie, Brittany, Brooke, or Sarah: this is their territory.
Not only do you come off sounding ridiculous, but the most annoying part is how transparent it is that you’re just trying to score points with the professor. This is actually something that you would say during a job interview. Please, for everyone else’s sake save it for that. This is a basic management class; it’s really not that serious.
I can just picture this girl getting ready in the morning, and simultaneously practicing saying that shit in the mirror like it’s about to be her shining moment. Just imagining it is alarming.
1. The guy who proudly tells the class “I’m passionate about my future”
What’s up, fam? I’m Skyler, and I’m passionate about my future.
There is an underlying theme with all of these people: They all play their cards way too quickly. But this fucking guy, he is the worst by a million.
You can probably find a way to survive playing the religion card, the eco card, the poor card, and being the suckup, but the douche card… the douche card does not play in a class setting.
Don’t get it twisted, this attitude has the potential to kill in other venues. For instance, a little savagery at the bar never hurt anyone. However, in the classroom that attitude is toxic.
Nobody wants to be in the group with this guy. Anytime you’re giving your group presentation, and he has to take off his shades to read the next slide, you and the rest of the group are going to feel judged for associating with him.
I know I’m not going to work with him, and I hope my classmates follow suit. I’m too passionate about my future to have him ruin it.
First impressions are important. Don’t fuck them up by acting like these idiots..