NEW TFM Videos Section

Watch thousands of hilarious videos from college campuses across the country.

Watch Now

5 Reasons Why The Death Penalty Should Be Replaced With Longterm Relationships

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

longterm relationship

This election season, one of the propositions on the ballot in California is about the death penalty. It was abolished in the City of Angels decades ago but it may make a comeback. It’s an often debated topic that’ll obviously never be fully agreed upon.

Multiple ethical questions pop up. Some people think the death penalty is immoral, that we shouldn’t play God. Some people think that if we do continue the death penalty, they need to be killed in “humane” ways. Pussies.

The truth is, there are some sick bastards that just deserve to be killed (mass shooters, Charles Manson, Wally Bryton), and the more inhumane, the better. These scumbags deserve to suffer. Why should they be spared? Because there’s some liberal rich hippy white girl in college that thinks it’s wrong? Who cares what Kelly thinks?

The debate over the death penalty will never end. That’s why I propose that we replace it with something even more severe. Anyone who deserves the death penalty (mass shooters, serial killers, mumble rappers, comedians that still make viagra jokes) will be forced into a relationship. A long term, serious, monogamous loving relationship. I know this probably sounds a little too harsh but let me explain first. Here’s why.

1. It Will Save Money

Believe it or not, the Unites States government wastes a lot of the taxpayers’ money on the death penalty. There’s a whole complicated, intertwining system that eats up our tax money. Why not make shit simpler and force these evil fuckers to have significant others?

2. Less Ethical Dilemmas

No more dumbass existential questions about if we should kill criminals. Now everyone can agree that this option makes more sense. Pretentious liberals, Bible-humping Jesus freaks — everyone will be on the board.

3. Less Lonely Women

No more crazy cat ladies. No more annoying chicks that tweet about how there are no good men left and refer to their favorite chipotle burritos as “bae.” Every desperate lonely girl will be paired up with a mass murderer who has to serve his sentence. Everybody wins.

4. It’s Worse

Think about it. What’s worse? Being fried to death strapped to an electric chair, or to be attached at the hip to the same chick for decades? She makes you do lame shit like “watching chick flicks” or “wearing pants” or gets mad at you for little shit like “burping too loudly” or “getting a boner at her grandma’s funeral.” Option #2 is much worse.

5. Murder Rates Will Go Down

Sociopaths and evil men have no fear of death. If we want to scare psychos out of shooting up a mall or killing a bunch of hookers and eating their fresh corpses with garlic bread, we’ll threaten them with relationships. Even the most violent men will become pacifists to avoid capital punishment. We’ll be living in a peaceful utopia.

It’s cheap, it’s easy, and it’s practical, so let’s do it. Yes, TFM’s most intelligent and beloved writer just solved another political/socioeconomic issue. It’s brilliant, I know. You’re welcome.

Email this to a friend

Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

27 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed