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5 Reasons To Outlaw Veganism

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Let’s cut to the chase: We need to do something about vegans. They’re everywhere. And the larger this group gets, the stronger they are. It’s really quite horrifying.

As the old saying goes, you don’t need to guess if someone is a vegan, because they’ll telling you. They’re like atheists, or Italians, or CrossFitters. That’s why if you ever see a vegan atheist Italian CrossFitter, RUN.

So here’s my plan I’m proposing to you: We need to outlaw being a vegan. We need to stack these sick bastards into our prisons in mass numbers. It’s our only hope.

Do you think this is ridiculous? Well, think again. Here’s why being a vegan should illegal.

Vegans Hurt The Economy

Think about all the facets of our economic landscape that vegans are ruining. There’s a whole industry in slaughtering animals. Slaughtering delicious, tasty, amazing-tasting animals. Good, hard working Americans who make their living killing dumbass animals for our consumption. On top of that, think of all the restaurants that serve delicious dead animals. Those franchises are slowly dying thanks to vegans. Therefore vegans are singlehandedly destroying the economy overall. Believe me, I’m an expert on smart economy things. I have an expertise on complicated statistical statistics and stuff like that.

When Vegans Lecture Non-Vegans, It’s Psychological Violence

Nowadays, everyone talks about safe spaces and trigger warnings and microaggressions and blah blah blah. But when vegans pretentiously lecture us great meat-eaters, it’s the WORST type of harassment. Think of any type of harassment, no matter what it is, it’s not nearly as bad. Believe me, I’m an expert on harassment. When vegans try to convince you to stop eating meat, it’s not JUST harassment. It’s severe verbal violence, and it’s psychological warfare at its most extreme. It’s traumatizing and it leaves a permanent scar on someone’s psyche. Before vegans are mentioned, there should ALWAYS be a trigger warning beforehand. These fucking sickos ruin lives every single day.

It Threatens The Natural Balance Of Things

Human beings are supposed to eat animals. It’s in our nature. We are savages, and we’re meant to consume the meat of stupid ass animals while we celebrate how awesome we are and how animals are lame as fuck. Human beings are on top of the food chain, so lets not waste that. People are super cool, and animals are totally uncool. Fuck animals. But not literally. Unless you wanna.

There Are People In Prison For Things That Aren’t Nearly As Bad

Our prisons are filled to the brim with people doing hard time for non-violent crimes. There are people from underprivileged areas being targeting by our justice system to fund privatized prisons that are doing decades for weed. Let’s get all these non-violent drug users out of our jails and fill those jail cells with these disgusting, evil vegans.

Vegans Are Dangerous Scumbags Who Can’t Be Reasoned With

There’s no group of people on this earth more downright evil than vegans. Serial killers, mass shooters, and even cannibals aren’t nearly as terrible as vegans. They’re pure evil and they can’t be reasoned with. They’re obnoxious and sociopathic. They’re the most narcissistic people in the galaxy, and they are downright dangerous. They’re the biggest danger to modern society. They must be stopped. Let’s lock all these psychopaths up before it’s too late.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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