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5. John Daly
Yes, he’s completely sober now, but I’m giving Daly the Dwyane Wade treatment and paying him (respect) for his past performance, still fully expecting a better return than what the Miami Heat will salvage from the “Flash” and his knees of an 85-year-old osteoporosis-laden cadaver. Seriously, Pat Riley, you should have taken D-Wade behind the barn three years ago and put him out of his misery for good.
Now you all know Big John’s impressive résumé:
– Two inexplicable, out-of-left-field major championships.
– $90+ million lost along the way between every blackjack table from Vegas to Atlantic City.
– Four failed marriages undeniably thanks to a hindering vice screaming “Woo Pig Sooie” at climax with every methed-out, fat tittied, single mother of three waitress he takes behind the dumpster of Hooters.
– A tobacco and whiskey addiction that could, at one time, single handedly bail out and keep modern day Greece’s economy afloat.
His stories alone would be well worth his fluctuating, lava lamp-esque weight in gold. Let’s not forget JD has a vested interest in a specific pre-made cocktail distributor that bares his namesake. I imagine he’s never short on product for his guests to enjoy. I’m talking backyard barbecue, and we’re shooting the shit about everything from Razorback football to slinging merch outside of Augusta National while enjoying some slowly cooked ribs. Someone will eventually get enough liquid courage in them to have Big John do this:
4. Rickie Fowler
I get it. You immediately read his name and thought “Rickie and his stupid fucking flat brim Puma hat? This list is now one giant blistering anal wart.” You’re stuck in your ways, and you’ll be damned if you change. Fair enough, but I’d make the argument that Fowler is just golf’s version of Leonardo DiCaprio. Remember Leo’s earlier work? Dudes loathed him, overlooked his actual talent, and he was pegged as nothing more than a “pretty boy.” That same shade was casted over Rickie, but like Leo, I believe he’s coming into his own, shaking the stigma, and will eventually be universally loved. That first major will get those wheels turning.
As far as hanging out with Rickie, most, if not all, reports around tour say he is a genuinely good dude who is not shy to max out at the bars on occasion or wager on virtually anything. The kid is one of the biggest degenerate gamblers in the game. If for some reason you still can’t overcome your prejudice for those bright orange brims, you can, at the very least, just enjoy the view of his smokestack of a girlfriend.
Alexis Randock pic.twitter.com/Z0J2LanqKe
— Foxy Index (@FoxyIndex) July 20, 2015
Round of 18 drinking a beer a hole with Rickie along with Mickelson and Spieth before chasing skirts at the country club bar after just sounds like a perfect Saturday afternoon/evening. Did I just bend the imaginary self implemented rules of list making and casually add in Phil and Jordan without dedicating an entire section to both? Damn right I did.
3. Tiger Woods
Because of course.
2. Anthony Kim
Yes, technically Kim is retired from the game, but I made an exception due to his legendary party boy reputation and his castration of Sergio Garcia back in the 2008 Ryder Cup. Anytime you eviscerate that stubbly scrotum-faced Spaniard with shit talk backed up by a straight 5 & 4 ass whopping on one of the sport’s biggest stages in the name of your country, essentially as an underclassman, you have a fan in me for life.
Factor in stories like his off-the-course performance at the 2009 Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open in Vegas, and I don’t want to, I NEED to be a part of Anthony’s entourage, blowing every last dollar of his insurance policy money champaign showering peasants on the dance floor with $25,000 bottles of Dom Perignon. You just know this guy spends money like a Beverly Hills housewife given the American Express black card by her husband that is 30 years her elder for an afternoon excursion to the local designer handbag boutique. It’ll make for a hell of a 30 for 30 in five years when all of those nights of VIP lounging with 19-year-old Instagram models finally catch up to him, and the money well runs dry. Until then, I want to ride this train wreck all the way to the scene of the derailment.
1. Dustin Johnson
Does DJ have a problem closing Major Championships? Perhaps. But he’s the undisputed champion of this list for sheer entertainment, best-bang-for-your buck value. Yes, he’s a complete empty vessel upstairs, and conversation will never be too in-depth, but who wants to be those guys sitting in the corner of the bar talking philosophy all night anyway?
He does have a kid, but I guarantee Dustin pawns him off to Janet and Wayne Gretzky every chance he gets. Speaking of which, you now have an avenue to meet “The Great One.”
And you just know Paulina has a legitimately crazy group she rolls with, full of nothing but little minxes. We’re talking about a crew of 110-pound “woo, shots” girls who are actually tolerable…Or maybe it’s just because you’d be coked out of your mind..