Even though college costs money and an education is a terrible thing to waste, there are times when class is the last place you want to be. It could be because your head feels like you decided to run face-first into a brick wall after a long, blurry night out with your pledge brothers. It might be for a semi-legitimate reason, like you have a test in another class and need to study for that. Or, it could just be that there are people in some of your classes that you wouldn’t mind seeing get hit by a fucking truck. Yes, there will always be THOSE people who make going to class even more unbearable than it should be. Here are some of the cream of the crop from the bottom of the barrel.
The Over-Opinionated Liberal
For some reason this person feels like it is their civic duty to inform the class every day about their newfound “progressivism.” Unfortunately for you, what they think is progressivism is really straight-from-the-manifesto Marxism. You see, somewhere between their high school graduation trip where they “lived” in Europe for five days and their second semester political theory class, this person became extremely cultured. Like, wayyyyyy more cultured than you can imagine. They’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe (unless you’ve watched National Lampoon’s European Vacation, then you’ve probably seen most of it too). Once again, unfortunately for you, the over-opinionated liberal will often sense you aren’t a believer. They know about your unsustainability and your elitist ways. They can tell because you dress like you care about your appearance. Grooming above and beyond the efforts of a homeless man is a mortal sin in their eyes. “Soap? Pssh, how bourgeois. Something something Darfur.”
The Persistent Question Asker
Everyone truly HATES this person. Apparently they are incapable of finding information on their own time, which is evident from the fact that they ask the professor 25 questions during every lecture. However, there are two sides to this coin. The persistent question asker can be one of two people who keep you from going to class: a savant or an idiot. Half of these over-zealous hand raisers are the people who keep you from leaving class early. Somehow, everyone but these motherfuckers understand that when the professor says, “If no one has any questions, we can go ahead and stop” you don’t fucking ask any questions. These assholes are especially infuriating when they ask questions about material that hasn’t even been covered yet. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” you might ask yourself, but don’t bother. They’ve already asked enough questions for the both of you. The other side of the coin is the complete idiot who decided to leave their brain in the dorm before they long-boarded to class. Is there an echo in the lecture hall? Nope, the professor is just repeating themselves word-for-word because this kid can’t read the 20 ft x 20 ft slides being projected right in front of his fucking face. How these people got into college is beyond me, but you certainly won’t see them make it past gen-eds. Those are the weed-out classes for people who are more suited for operating deep-fryers than calculators.
The Kid You Should Be Rushing
Even though rush is a 24/7 job, that only really applies to the rush chair. Personally, my favorite way to rush a kid is by completely ignoring him at a party and getting belligerently drunk. If he isn’t intrigued, then he doesn’t deserve to be my brother. However, if you are dealing with a pretty large class of freshman, chances are some of these guys are going to end up having to rush in the spring. And if you’re unlucky and have class with one of these GDIs, the recruitment chair is going to count on you to keep that kid interested until then. This sucks balls because this kid isn’t even a pledge, so you don’t get the benefits of having him take notes for you or turning in a paper when you don’t feel like waking up. And you actually have to talk to the fucker like he’s a normal person. Forcing conversation is just below a face punch wakeup call on my list of things I want no part of. Needless to say this task will probably be met with about as much enthusiasm as earning a summer internship circumcising Filipinos with Tim Tebow.
“What’s up bro?” Guy
Remember the first day you sat down in class, and the guy next to you introduced himself? Foolishly you took this as a nice gesture, and you returned his greeting. Then the nightmare began. This apparently friendless kid sought you out for the next 15 weeks just to sit down next to you every day and give you a cringe inducing “what’s up bro?” EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. At first it might seem normal, but then after a week or two, he will become comfortable sitting next to you. That’s when shit gets weird. He will tell you about his roommate. He will tell you about how he went “so hard” at the club the other night, and he will probably tell you about his bowel movements if you give him the time of day. He thinks he’s your friend, and he wants to share his world with you. All the while, you only manage to get in an “Oh, really?” before he starts back up with his banter that no one in the world could possibly care about. Pray this class doesn’t involve group projects, because he WILL attempt to partner up with you, and if he’s successful, he WILL ask for your phone number. Please go outside and make some real friends, because your lack of vagina makes me give zero fucks about you.
The professor at least has a valid excuse to make you hate everything about attending a class. He’s a professor, if the class sucks, it SHOULD be his fault. Is it possible to apply a liberal bias to a calculus lecture? I don’t know, but I’ve had professors who would certainly try. Sometimes you’ll walk into class and think the teacher looks pretty normal, until you find out that English is their fourth language. It’s impossible to tell what country they’re from because either A) They can’t pronounce it in English, or B) a steady flow of regime changes have renamed the country 5 times in the last 18 months. But hyper-liberalism and strange accents aside, the hands down worst teachers are the ones who decide to bring you into their home lives any chance they get. This would be completely fine if they were normal people. But no, they have 15 cats, an obsession with Harry Potter, and they can’t wait to tell you about the awful book they’re writing. “Yes professor, your book sounds really interesting, I swear…I think some of your cats are gang raping the weak one…oh that’s just how they show dominance? Never mind then.” Have fun looking at the Kitty Costume Halloween slide-show, I’ll be keeping my ass in bed instead of going to that class 9 times out of 10.