Fraternities all over the country have been taking heat for throwing parties that could be construed as offensive, “gross appropriation of another culture,” or “just a bunch of hookers and cocaine.” As a result, we’ve all had to walk on eggshells for as far back as we can remember, and this can get tiring. To take some of the brainstorming and guesswork out of planning your next party, I’ve come up with some party themes that are so PC it hurts.
Safe Space Party
In this party, everyone who walks in the door gets a free bubble. This will cause some problems with people bumping into each other in crowded spaces like hallways, but it’s well worth it to mitigate concerns over any personal space being violated. The bubbles are also soundproof, which means that you won’t be able to hear anything that anyone says to you. With only muffled speech coming your way, you can just imagine that everyone is telling you how great you are. It’ll be pretty hard to drink anything from within your bubble, which is actually a good thing. If you get drunk, you might find yourself acting inappropriately and doing things you regret.
Board Game Night
Just invite everyone over for some fun board games. All you have to do is be careful of the hurtful connotations that certain board games can have. For instance, Hungry Hungry Hippos is definitely a no-go. The hippopotamus is a stunning, amazing creature, and to sum up its entire existence by insinuating that it is always hungry is very insensitive. You’re also going to want to avoid any implications that some of your party guests may resemble the common hippo, even though every body shape and size is beautiful. Clue also needs to go, as the possibility exists that the murder was committed by someone of a minority race. This only serves to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. Try to find board games where there is no clear-cut winner or loser, as you won’t want to make anyone feel the shame that comes with failure.
That’s right, strap on your beard and hop into your horse-drawn carriage for this one. In-between bouts of making handcrafted furniture and churning butter, you might find yourself wondering if this theme may be kind of offensive after all. It might be, but what you’ll have to remember is that no amount of social media uproar or news coverage will ever reach the Amish. They live in the goddamn 19th century, and definitely don’t care about your party. Just watch out for the Amish mafia, those guys don’t fuck around.
The idea of this party is that everyone is treated equally. The guy that drops $200 on liquor will get the same amount of alcohol as the bum who shows up with nothing. Everything that each guest brings in will be put into a pile in the front room and then equally distributed among all the party guests, as this is exactly what our founding fathers were talking about when they said that all men were created equal. When hosting this party, make sure to tell your comrades that everything is fine even when rations are running low. After all, they are here for the greater good of the party.
White Guilt Party
For this party, make sure that you invite people of all types of backgrounds so that they can see how sorry you are for enjoying white privileges. You’ll need to have the very worst of “white” culture at your party on display. For music, go with Vanilla Ice, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, and Nickelback. For drinks, just pick up a few boxes of Franzia and call it good. Make sure to Instagram the hell out of this party to show how guilty you are for living with privilege for so long, as this will definitely go a long way toward easing racial tensions.
Come to think of it, even the party themes I have listed are not exactly airtight. Throw these if you must, but the best strategy is probably just not to party at all. If you just stay inside your house and watch Planet Earth, you’ll avoid almost all possibilities of any cultural missteps. .
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