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My back was pressed up against a figurative wall last week, and I delivered. 2 outs, full count, bases loaded in game 7 of the World Series and I knocked one out of the goddamn park. Anyone that didn’t believe in me can rot.
Looks like I’m a little more shifty than Zeke Elliott, because, unlike him, I’m not getting suspended. 5-0 last week and the bounce back was infinitely more real than a Kardashian’s ass cushions.
I’m 13-10 on my NFL picks through 5 weeks (0-2 in CFB) and I’m ready to keep the winning record going.
One thing that is being suspended are my punishments. To be more blunt than LeGarrette, I’m over it for right now. I think my corneas are destroyed. I can’t drink milk for the rest of my life. The bruises on my back aren’t going away. I’m scarred into the next eternity and then some. I’m not saying the punishments are gone for good, but for now they’re chalked. So ride or fade, but here you go, dickholes. Five free NFL picks to help you get through a weekend of being a full-out squid.
All lines via MyBookie.ag. Hit them up for all your gambling needs.
Browns vs. Texans – Texans -9.5
Deshaun Watson is a beast. The Browns have to be feeling salty after passing on Watson and benching DeShone Kizer, but hey, it’s the Browns; what did you expect? I’ll take the Texans in Houston to crush an abysmal Browns team that stinks more than the bathroom stall on the second floor that’s had an “out of order” sign on it since Spring Fling 1979. Let’s go Houston.
Patriots vs. Jets – Jets +9.5
I never thought I’d be riding the Jets against New England, but yeah, it’s happening. The Jets are actually kind of decent, like getting blacked out at Applebee’s on $1 margaritas, so I’ll take them in the Meadowlands to cover a +9.5 spread in a big division game.
Steelers vs. Chiefs – Chiefs -4
This spread is funnier than watching a twat try to jump through a well-constructed wood table on gameday. The Chiefs at home -4 against Big Ben and the shitty Steelers sounds like a gigantic trap, but whatever. I might be too high on KC, but I think slim Andy Reid and Kareem Hunt will take care of business. Let’s ride.
Buccaneers vs. Cardinals – Buccaneers -1
The Cardinals are awful. The addition of Adrian Peterson is more overhyped than Chipotle queso, and I don’t think he gets it going (not this week, at least). I’m also a big Buccaneers guy. If Nick Folk didn’t botch 3 field goals last week, they would’ve beat the Patriots and I would’ve won a decent amount of money. But I’m not mad, I promise. Jameis is going to steal this one in Arizona like that time he accidentally stole crab Legs down in Tallahassee. Send it.
Rams vs. Jaguars – Under 42
The Jags have disappointed me more than Will Smith’s 3rd kid (yeah, he has a 3rd kid), but that doesn’t mean I’m over them. Two top-tier defenses and two airhead QBs who can fuck themselves over more than I did when I was putting punishments on the line with these picks? This game is going to be a shitshow and I’m all about it.
I’m sorry if anyone is disappointed that I’m done hazing myself, but honestly I’ve never been more relieved. Deal with it, dickholes. As always, hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to discuss, call me a degenerate, or tell me to fuck off. Either way, it’s gambling season and I’m happier than a hippie at a Phish concert..
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