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What’s good, fuckers? Went 2-3 last weekend, but that was honestly Martin Shkreli’s fault because fuck that dude. He completely threw off my mojo. But all that’s irrelevant now, because it’s time for this week’s picks. Here are some locks that will cure your Sunday Scaries so you don’t have to call daddy on Monday begging for a direct deposit. Time for my (and, by association, your) luck to do a 180 like Gordon Hayward’s ankle. Let’s hit it.
All lines via MyBookie.ag. Hit them up for all your gambling needs.
Panthers vs. Bears – Bears +3
Mitch Trubisky likes kissin’ titties more than Dan Bilzerian on a Sunday afternoon on a small island in the middle of the Pacific. Same, so I ride with Mitch.
The Bears look brand new, kind of like an Instagram model fresh out of butt implant surgery, and I’m all about it. The public is all over the Panthers this week, which to me smells fishier than that 8-day old Chinese food in your fridge that you may or may not eat in a couple days. Let’s get windy in Chi-Town.
Jaguars vs. Colts – Colts +3
I can’t stand the Jaguars. Every week I bet on them, every week I lose. It’s similar to Ricky Bobby’s dad never showing up to one of his races, except I don’t have daddy issues. I’m a huge Jacoby Brissett guy, too, and I think the Colts are pretty solid with him under center. If Leonard Fournette doesn’t play, this is a lock. Send it.
Falcons vs. Patriots – Patriots -3
These Patriots are definitely not like the old Patriots, but they’re still the God damn Patriots. They barely pulled one out against the Jets last week, and after they did Belichick was as happy as a dude that just got an $8 rub-and-tug from a sub-par hooker in Thailand. Just look at that dap.
The Pats are going to come out and play angry football in Gillette after almost getting embarrassed by the Jets last week. Plug them in.
Bengals vs. Steelers – Bengals +5
The Steelers have been luckier than Chris Bosh so far this season. That dude looks like something out of the paleolithic era, but since he’s good at basketball he married a complete dime. Anyway, this AFC North battle won’t be decided by that many points, as these two teams are going to duke it out like the Hound and Brienne of Tarth did in Game of Thrones. I like los tigres with the points.
Redskins vs. Eagles – Eagles -4.5
Carson Wentz is now the favorite to win NFL MVP, and I knew it was going to happen. Suck me.
Anyway, the birds are flying higher than James Franco and Seth Rogen in Pineapple Express, and I think they’re going to crush the Washington R-Words in Philly on Monday night unlike how Dan Snyder crushes PR.
As always, hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to discuss, call me a fuck, or keep up with my degenerate gambling habits. Let’s have a weekend..
Image via Shutterstock