First above all, nothing says “this guy fucks” like a pair of New Balance sneakers, a loosely-buttoned polo with excessive chest hair showing, tan cargo shorts, and the fastest shades in existence. Now that the obvious is out of the way, there is no arguing that the dad look imbues you with a certain special something that young boys can only hope to imitate. Contrary to popular belief the dad look is not worn — it is lived. From helping you absolutely dominate on the Frisbee golf course to assisting you in buckling down for a lengthy nature walk, the practicality of the dad look is rivaled only by its cutting edge style. But what exactly makes the dad look so appealing to fraternity men everywhere?
For centuries, the father figure has been a symbol of safety and protection. Nothing can go wrong under the watchful eye of father. So now, imagine this powerful, well-respected presence, and couple it with the high energy of a college student letting loose. The end result? An unmatched force that invigorates the party with a breath of new life all the while maintaining structure and order so as to ensure the kids (your non-dad look fraternity brothers) have the best possible time. Done properly, the dad persona is sure to attract a mother or five. Done incorrectly, you’ve got a bunch of your drunken children running around with metaphorical scissors and woman wondering why this strange man is claiming to be related to all of these like-aged wasted idiots. Taking on the dad look is not merely a superficial change, nor is it simply a stagnant symbol. Accompanying the closed-toe sandals and all white visor is a series of responsibilities and obligations. So if you think you’re ready to rock the high-rise white socks, you better brush up on these necessities of dadhood.
1. Looking The Part
Although not strictly superficial, looks are still a big part of being the father figure. Besides, you’d be lying to yourself if you said that looks don’t matter and it’s all about the personality. If you don’t have a nice gut hang, arms that are flabby yet incredibly strong, and enough combined body hair to knit pants and a matching sweater, you’re wasting your time and everyone else’s. Maybe you can be some rich prick’s stepdad, but you’re certainly not the role model we need.
2. Constantly Complaining About An Aggravated Sports Injury From Your Past
This one is absolutely non-negotiable. You may never have had the skill to go pro, but you sure did have the heart. And that’s why, after even the smallest amount of activity, you must educate your many sons on your dream-shattering rotator cuff injury which you obtained trying to absolutely obliterate 55 mph pitches in your beer league. Bonus points if the kiddos roll their eyes at you.
3. Being Able To Provide Sunblock, A Cold One, And Riveting, Life-Changing Advice On A Moment’s Notice
Sunburn, dehydration, and any array of circumstantial issues life has to throw at you — dad’s got you covered with the essentials. Able to produce awe-inspiring advice accompanied by a remarkably relatable story from last week (you guys are still roughly the same age, after all) and a crisp Natty Light, the old man never fails to have your back. And although he may have even less of a clue than you do about whatever the fuck is troubling your mangled cocktail of a mind, you can bet your left index finger that he’ll bullshit his way into a solution and no doubt leave you feeling better.
4. Making Sure Everyone, Including Yourself, Is Absolutely Blitzed At Any Point In Time During Which It’s Even Remotely Acceptable
It’s no secret: pops loves to booze. And now that his kids are of age, it’s time to show them the only thing he’s ever been good at during any possible occasion. From slamming and passing around Bud Heavies at family dinners and gatherings to getting everyone drunk off of the communion wine at church, the old man makes sure the love is distributed equally and rapidly. Occasionally some of the occasions may be a tad questionable, but never enough for it to raise any serious concern. Dad just wants to keep the good times rolling, so it’s innocent enough.
5. Putting The Kids To Bed
At the end of the day, when all the children have tuckered themselves out from the extensive games and shenanigans, it’s the dad’s responsibility to collect all the fallen soldiers. Following this, he must clean the puke and liquor from their clothes, bring them a tall glass of water, and watch over them as they sleep on their sides. This is the time when pops has to display the most responsibility.
Follow the above duties and obtain the proper prerequisites and you’ll be the best dad your brothers ever had..