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5 More Things Millennials Have Murdered

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So about two weeks ago I wrote about all the things us damn millennials have killed. I thought our reign of terror as twenty-somethings was over. I was wrong.

The plague on the human race that is millennials strikes yet again. With the stealth of a Navy SEAL we plan our next kill, because that’s obviously what we do. We think to ourselves, what does society LOVE that we can get rid of next? Not like we’re preoccupied with student loan debt and the like. Now that they’ve done away with Sears, Applebee’s, and domestic beer, what’s next on our radar?

5. Twitter

So apparently millennials are killing Twitter now. That came as a surprise to me because I’m pretty sure millennials make up 99% of its user base. Apparently the website is struggling because people don’t use their accounts anymore. Our personal Twitter accounts are like porn: We discovered it in high school, became obsessed with it, and then once we went to college and started getting actually laid we became less interested in it, although we still us it.

And hey, Twitter is still getting plenty of press and attention. Good old Donny Trump’s account basically prints money for the company, for fuck sake. Perhaps the “millennials are killing Twitter” argument works when you realize its most famous user is over 70 years old.


Let’s look at these separately, the MLB first. Hey, major league baseball, this isn’t 1937. Other sports exist and are relevant now. Sorry people have places to divide their attention now. Plus, baseball is doing fine; any sport where a player can sign a hundred-million-dollar contract is doing fine. Stop bitching about baseball is suffering just because a stadium of 60,000 seats isn’t at full capacity for a 1:05 Monday afternoon game. Schedule games for times people can come and then we’ll talk.

One thing I’ll give baseball though is that the sport is more exciting than ever, which is also part of its downfall. When Babe Ruth broke home run records on a diet of alcohol, hotdogs and cigarettes, it was impressive. Nowadays those numbers are small by comparison, but how many players hit those numbers by shooting roids in their ass? Hit all the home runs you want, but don’t blame millennials because a bunch of baby boomers took PEDs to substitute “talent.”

As for the NFL, you’ve got a double wammy here. The sport is surrounded by controversy 24/7 with Kaepernick this, concussions that. The sport is run by a major cuck in Goodell. While baseball at least has the high hitting roid ragers, footballs has become an over glorifed field goal fest. If I sit through another one touchdown game with a score of 13-6, I might cry.

3. MTV

Okay, MTV kind of deserves this one. MTV is a shell of its former stuff. Old MTV was like “let’s show music videos because the ‘M’ stands for music!” New MTV is like “lol here’s some show about an idiot who fell in love with Facebook profile pictures.” Old MTV shows were good — Next, Date My Mom — bring that shit back and maybe we’ll start watching again. Still, can we really say millennials are killing MTV if they’re the only ones watching MTV? MTV doesn’t really share a core audience with Fox News, if you have not noticed yet.

2. Coffee

Millennials haven’t killed coffee, as much as they’ve made it more annoying. In the old days of baby boomers, coffee was bitter, hot bean water miserable people drank on the morning on the commute to their miserable jobs. It was dark like the soul of the people who drank it. Then some cool baby boomers decided, “Yo, let’s not make this taste like crap and maybe make a cool place to drink it,” and hence Starbucks was born.

Somewhere along the way, coffee culture got overtaken by annoying hipsters who order things like gluten free vegan soy bean mocha frappuccino. Then in the 1990s it got worse when people said, “Let’s play guitars and sing poetry while we drink it!” Guitars and poetry, what is this, the Renaissance? Give me a decent cup of coffee that will wake me up, and maybe some nice chairs to sit in, and we’re good. Oh, and don’t charge me $6 for it, either.

1. Toys ‘R’ Us

Millennials, we’ve gone too far. Way too far. We fucked up on this one. The staple of our childhood, and everyone before us since the birth of our nation pretty much, filed for bankruptcy because of us no-good millennials. Apparently kids these days don’t want real toys. They want iPads, iPhones and digital crap. Do you children have no imagination?

Go outside, ride a bike, use a light bright, or at worst a play station. You kids will play with your board games and action figures and you’re going to like it! I’m not even jealous of kids for having all this technology today, because nothing beats the real thing of REAL toys you actually had to play with. You kids don’t know what you’re missing. For now, I’m just going to have to pour some out for my fallen homie.

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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