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5 Pranks to Fuck With People

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One of the time-honored traditions of being in a fraternity is constantly and mercilessly messing with your fraternity brothers. There are thousands of reasons to play a prank on someone: they passed out with their shoes on, you don’t like them, they’re a pledge…or you could just be fucking shitfaced. All good reasons, but ultimately the “why” is unimportant (as it usually is). The “how” is what matters. I seriously doubt there’s a group of people more deviously creative than fraternity men, but in case you need helpful suggestions on how to hilariously ruin someone’s day, here are a few:

1) Sunless Tanner

You’ve heard of shaving cream on the face, which is fucking lame, and coloring someone with a Sharpie, which is funny but overdone. This prank combines the best qualities of those two pranks and adds a healthy dash of evil. After you’ve located a passed out individual (preferably a pledge or GDI) run to Walgreens and buy the darkest shade of sunless tanner you can find. Return to wherever you found said lightweight and apply a good-sized dab to his face. Before you know it he’ll be rubbing in his new skin tone with drunken, apathetic annoyance. Repeat the process, assisting in the application if necessary, until you’re satisfied with the results. The next morning when the victim wakes up he’ll be greeted in the mirror by what can only be described as sloppily applied blackface. It won’t come out for at least a couple of days, and a four star linebacker may or may not beat the shit out of him at some point. Like I said, healthy dash of evil.

2) Phonebooks

Phonebooks are almost completely useless. Almost. Although Google has rendered the Yellow Pages worthless for any productive activities, there is still one thing that this all but forgotten service is good for: its paper. Phonebooks are filled with thousands upon thousands of pages. Grab a couple dozen phonebooks (often times large quantities are delivered to fraternity houses because they know we need them for kindling and pranking), take them to someone’s room, grab some booze, and start ripping. Before you know it that room (depending on size) will be at least knee high with crumpled phonebook pages. Whenever that room’s resident returns (or comes to) they’ll need either a shovel or a whole lot of pledge power to get that space clean. They’ll be finding phonebook pages for weeks.

3) The Barricade

There are lots of different ways to do this. You can pile a ton of furniture in front of someone’s door, or if you feel like being ironic you could pile a bunch of doors in front of their door. But for my money the best way to barricade someone in their room is with a power drill and some good old-fashioned American 2x4s. This way the trapped party will have to either A) Hilariously try to punch and kick through the barricade, or B) Ask nicely to be let out. One thing’s for sure though, you can demand some ransom in the meantime.

4) The Room Move

This, very simply, involves taking everything in someone’s room and moving it somewhere else. Generally I prefer the front lawn, the roof (if possible), or the bathroom. But you can’t just take someone’s shit and throw it somewhere else. I’m a firm believer that the more effort and wit you put into a prank, the less right the other person has to be mad (even if the increased effort and thought actually makes the prank worse). So, when you move someone’s stuff somewhere else, arrange it exactly like it was in his room. Bonus points if you plug everything in. I mean, they are going to need to use their computer and what not. After all, we’re students first.

5) Military Grade Weaponry

Sounds crazy, I know. In fact, don’t ever use military weapons for a prank. I only include this because it happened to me. My real advice on this is don’t invite back the alum who works for Homeland Security, because there’s at least a 50% chance he brought toys, and a 100% chance he’s shitfaced. Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than being balls deep in your girlfriend when the door suddenly opens and a small metal canister rolls into the center of the room. The last thing you want to be thinking just before climax is “Please God don’t let that be a flashbang.” Just ask Osama bin Laden and his giant porno stash. Thankfully it wasn’t a flashbang grenade, just a really powerful smoke bomb. That didn’t make it much better. But that’s what I get…for having a girlfriend.

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