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There comes a time in every man’s life when he will be called upon to man the grill. Whether it be at your own barbecue or someone else’s, this is not a task that is to be taken lightly. Your job is to feed all the people at this event, and there are guidelines that you should absolutely know before stepping up to the plate. Listen up.
1. Always Make Extra
There’s nothing worse than someone who says they “don’t want anything” who then eats something. When you ask the people at this barbecue if they want food, most people will answer honestly. However, there will be vultures who come up and grab some of the food that they said they didn’t want, making you angry and the people who actually asked for something angrier. Not only will these rule-abiding barbecue-goers be hungry and pissed; most importantly, it will make you look bad. Always make extra food and throw it on the tray. It will all get eaten, trust me.
2. The Only Request You Take Is Cheese
Some people out there think they’re in a five star burger joint and ask for a seared medium rare. No; that’s not how this works. You’re trying to get all this food off the grill so you can put more on, so you don’t pay attention to any one piece of meat in particular. Furthermore, if you take one request, other people will jump in with their requests as well and then it all goes off the rails. This is a barbecue, not a restaurant.
However, take whatever you want and cook the shit out of it to your exact specifications. You are the grill man, after all.
3. Once You Grab That Spatula, You Cannot Walk Away
Being the grill master is not for the weak. You may have to stand by the grill all night, meaning you may be left out of some festivities. But if you enjoy cooking the flesh of dead animals, then this shouldn’t be much of a problem. The idea of handing over the spatula to someone else because you got tired of grilling is something that should keep you up at night. Don’t ever walk away. Stay over that heat and grill some meat.
4. Be Consistent
Always keep whatever you’re cooking consistent. Make sure that no matter what burger your subjects pick up, it’s going to taste the same as if they’d picked up another burger instead. Consistency is all those fiends can ask for.
5. DO NOT BURN ANYTHING
Char? Yes, please. A burger that more closely resembles a hockey puck? Fuck outta here..