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I asked my girlfriend what gifts guys could give chicks this jingle bell season to guarantee they’d get to stuff some stocking. These were her answers.
1. Victoria’s Secret Anything
Even that plastic water bottle or those gross sweatpants. Girls fucking love VS and that means VS is capable of making them tolerate fucking you. Why? Because every girl likes to feel like the sexiest woman on the planet. Get her to feel like that, and she’s probably going to be very generous.
10,000 years of human history have confirmed that getting your GF or prospective GF fermented grapes for Xmas is the key to her heart. Wine and whine: it’s what girls do. Red, white, pink, bubbly, toilet… whichever one you pick, she’ll love it, and love you (hopefully in the lust sense and not the love sense, unless you’re into that). You can even pick it up on Amazon these days.
3. Thoughtful Sappy Crap
Broke or lazy? You can score major points with little effort by pretending you gave her a gift from the heart. Do a poem (poems are fucking gold) or that shit from Love Actually with the cards. That’s like $2 to make. She should see this for what it is and realize, if she hasn’t already, that you’re a peasant, but she’ll probably be blinded by all the feels instead. Merry Christmas, cheapskate.
4. That Gift She’s Been Hinting At
Look, it’s no coincidence that an online shopping tab with a certain item already in the cart has been pinned to your browser or left open on a laptop in plain view. When she sees something in a shop and moans, “… But I could never afford it!” and then that thing shows up on Christmas morning, it’s like rocket fuel for your sex life. Giving her the gift she’s been hinting at proves (a) that you can provide for her and (b) that you listened to her, which is like crack for females.
5. A Puppy
If she comes down on Christmas morning and you’re holding a fluffy little ball of fur, you better take your clothes off, because she’s about to ride the Polar Express right onto your North Pole. Enough said. And if you can’t afford a real dog, this lifelike fake one might do. It’s the thought that counts, right?.