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5 Apps I Wish Existed

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There are a lot of useful apps out there like WatchESPN, Spotify, and Twitter that help with wasting time in class. There are also many pointless apps too, such as Virtual Candle, Sim Stapler, and Shave Me–if you don’t know what any of these are, it’s okay. I just Googled them–which provide no tangible benefit to society and make me question whether the people who made these apps just hate their lives. There are some apps, I feel, that would help society as a whole, although the technology for them hasn’t been invented yet. Here are five apps I think would especially help the fraternity gentleman. Note that the names of the following apps are works in progress and are by no means the final products (so nerds, get to work on these and think of better names for them).

The Herp

Did you find a girl with questionable morals and standards? Does she have a fine appreciation for a nice aquarium? If the answer to these two question is yes, chances are you’ve found a quality girl who you will go home with at the end of the night. But what happens if your buddy leans over and says, “I think she has the herp?” You begin to question whether it’s worth going home with this lady of the night or whether your friend is just an asshole who is trying to mess with you. Enter The Herp. This helpful app will tell you whether that person has herpes or any other sort of disease you wouldn’t want. Even better, each sort of STD will be paired with a color, so even your drunk ass will be able to figure it out at the end of the night.

Leave Me Alone

You dodged a bullet. You don’t think the girl you went home with has the herp, but now she won’t get out of your bed. She wants to cuddle–or even worse, talk–but you don’t have time for that. You either want to go back to sleep or you have day drinking plans with your friends while the game is on. This app will pre-program itself to your sleeping position in order to launch the girl out of the bed through the nearest window into a safe location. Okay, maybe this is a pipe dream, and maybe I just really hate people in the morning, but wouldn’t it be great to not have to deal with things in the morning?

The Cling

Did the girl you just shot through a window not get the hint? Maybe she was somewhat cool at the time, but you’re not sure. Sometimes a girl seems rather normal and understands that you don’t want a girlfriend in college. Maybe you’re ignoring the signs that she now has monogrammed pencils with your initials on them, even though your friends tell you she’s crazy. Regardless of the situation you’re in, The Cling will immediately give you feedback on whether the girl is normal, or whether she is the dreaded stage 5 clinger who will threaten to burn everything you hold dear to the ground because you didn’t text her back within 47 seconds.

Can I Have Another?

Of course you can have another, my alcoholic, beer-loving friends. That’s not really ever the question, but sometimes you run out of beer, and you live in a Communist society that believes that you can’t buy beer after 3 a.m. I’m sure some of you have seen those stupid apps where you pour a glass of beer out (although I’m not sure why this exists). Someday our society will become so advanced that we will have an app where beer will flow out of your phone and into your Solo cup. Forget traveling in time, because once we create this, we will have reached the pinnacle of human achievement. Until then, you will just have to rely on pledges to find you more beer.


Chances are your shoes smell like shit. Actually, that’s probably being nice. They probably smell worse than a Guantanamo prison during the summer after a Skrillex concert. This handy app will instantly make your shoes smell brand new and lemony-fresh, and people will realize that you have, in fact, showered since W. was president.

I realize that these apps are just dreams–but I have big dreams, and I just want some nerds to make them come true for me.

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Is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. Spends his spare time drinking Smirnoff Ices on the rocks, while listening to mixed CDs of Nickelback, Creed, and Lifehouse.

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