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420 Philosophy

It’s that magical time of year again when people from all around the world get blazed together at the same glorious time. It’s 420 and if you don’t know what the hype is all about you probably won’t be ripping Mr. Geebs today. 420 is about celebrating life. It’s about experiencing unity with fellow human beings by getting as high as fucking possible with them. It’s also about the Man… Fuck the Man. If weed isn’t your thing, just try to remember that there are more stoned people wandering around today than any other day of the year. Try to be patient with that car that is going 15 mph in a 45 mph zone. He is probably too busy gorging on Doritos Locos from Taco Bell to know wtf is going on. With over 2 billion people getting stoned today, 4/20 is the most celebrated unofficial holiday in the world. With so many people so blatantly breaking the law, I’ve decided to dedicate this day to higher education about the hypocrisy of drug prohibition in America. So sit back and enjoy the contact high.

I love America and I love freedom. At the end of the day, drug prohibition is nothing more than an infringement upon our freedom to put whatever we want into our bodies. (That’s what she said.) Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that all drugs should be in candy machines at every gas station across America. Some drugs are dangerous. For example, I’ve never heard a good story about PCP. They usually end with a naked madman flipping over a cop car with his bare hands and getting shot to death by a SWAT team.

I’m not a big fan of anything that is synthesized or artificial, but I think it’s pretty hard to justify criminalizing a plant that grows naturally in the fucking ground. It’s a weed and it grows everywhere. I don’t get it. It just grows… out of the ground, man. Are the lawmakers high or something?

Criminalization is a fallacy because it creates a lucrative black market. The assholes that create drug laws are just as bad as the pushers on the street. They are essentially partners in crime, sleeping together in the same bed with the same smelly crack whore of profit. The bureaucrats need the dealers as an excuse to justify the expansion of police state powers. Similarly, the drug dealer needs the bureaucrats to outlaw the trade of contraband products, which effectively creates a black market that only criminals are willing to participate in. If there were no laws making the drugs illegal, the dealer would not be able to make such a ludicrous profit off of it. He would then have to get a real job and hate his life, just like everyone else.

The “War on Drugs” goes hand in hand with the “War on Terror”. During the 90s, Afghanistan was the largest producer and exporter of opium in the entire world. Soldiers who have been to Afghanistan can confirm that there are also marijuana fields as far as the eye can see. The whole country is like a magical pot forest… a stoner Valhalla laden with IEDs and culturally retarded terrorists. Exporting all that shit is incredibly profitable because Western drug laws skyrocket prices. Drug prohibition directly supports entire economies of countries and terrorist groups. If you want to end terrorism, decriminalize the illegal drug trade. All the drug czars and cartels around the world would go completely bankrupt. If you want to stop an organization, cut off its funding. Simple as that, it’s Business Rape 101.

Not only does prohibition fund cartels, but it also justifies massive spending by the government (ie: taxpayers) to buy thousands of guns, helicopters, vehicles, and all the other bullshit that the DEA needs to fight a “war.” The cartels in Mexico are now more powerful than the government and unless global drug policy changes, they are only going to get sketchier. I would rather see $10 eight balls of pure Columbian cocaine in every Seven-Eleven across America than read one more tragic story about some poor bastard whose head wound up in an ice chest.

The taxpayers get double boned because we have to pay for the hundreds of thousands of people that have been incarcerated for nonviolent drug crimes. People go to prison for a third of their lives because they were caught with a bunch of “contraband”. The taxpayers have to pay some bullshit like $30,000 a year for each inmate to keep them locked up. We pay like twice the minimum wage to keep people in prison for getting caught with plants. I don’t think I could write a movie script that is more ridiculous than our reality. Are we seriously serious? What are we smoking? Oh yea…

The solution isn’t just political, but also philosophical. In a truly capitalist society, there can be no “black” market for drugs, because in a truly capitalist society the only kind of market that exists is a free one. Since taking drugs does not violate the rights of any other human being, drug prohibition is fundamentally anti-capitalist and anti-American.

It all comes back to freedom. The constitution, which was written on hemp paper, states that all powers not specifically granted to the federal government are reserved for the states. There isn’t shit in the constitution that gives our government the right to enforce made up laws that criminalize plants. The Fed needs to fuck off and let the states figure out if they want to get high or not for themselves. This is America, isn’t it? Isn’t that the point?

It’s ironic that a lot of support for drug prohibition comes from religion. I can’t seem to recall one of the ten commandants being “Thou shall not get high.” I do, however, remember that Moses went up on a mountain and hung out with a burning bush until he saw God. I also remember Genesis 1:29… “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree,… to you it shall be for meat.” There are a thousand different translations of that, but the basic idea is the same. God gave all the herbs, plants, and trees to man. There isn’t a little asterisk with fine print underneath Genesis 1:29 that says *Excludes poppies, hemp, coca, ayahuasca, peyote, shrooms, and iboga. That asterisk doesn’t exist because God didn’t make any exceptions other than the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.

Don’t worry guys. We can use drugs. God said it’s cool. People need to stop making a huge deal about plants that have been growing naturally on this planet for millions of years. As the late/great George Carlin so eloquently put it, “Making marijuana illegal is like saying God made a mistake.”

Prohibition never works. We should have learned that lesson in America with alcohol in the 20’s. All prohibition did was encourage bootlegging and create the Mafia. We need to decriminalize weed, tax the shit out of it, undermine global cartels, eliminate the black market, empty the prisons, dismantle the DEA, and let everyone get high in peace. I don’t see a problem with that and if you do you’re probably a goddamn NARC.

420 is a celebration of freedom from the Man and the stupid laws that he made when he was stoned. The Man used the constitution as a blunt wrap, rolled up all of our freedoms inside of it, and smoked that fatty to the ground. On 420, we can all unite in a common purpose: to find peace, learn love, and Fuck the Man. It’s a celebration, bitches! So if you’re 420 friendly, pack your bowls, roll your blunts, and start your engines. Today will be a day that no one will remember.

Wait… What?

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RageTheory

RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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