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41 Things I Wish I Had Known As A Freshman

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Freshman year is a learning experience for everyone. You go into it expecting one thing, and it usually turns out to be completely different than what you originally thought it would be. For example, you find that getting laid in college is probably going to require more than getting drunk and standing naked on the mall with a sign that says “Fuck Me.” As a freshman, you might not know that. Your expectations out of high school are basically that college is a magical place–like Narnia, but with a lot more sex, drugs, and alcohol and a lot less Christian allegory. Here’s some friendly advice from someone who went through it already.

  1. Man cannot live on ramen alone. It’s like trying to survive on salt water while drifting at sea. It will quench your thirst for a time, but you’ll eventually go insane.
  2. One-Ply toilet paper is the devil’s toiletry of choice. It’s also your university’s. Be careful with that shit.
  3. You can’t climb that tree, so don’t even think about it.
  4. Freshman year, everyone makes drunken mistakes–even girls who are solid nines and tens. You could be that mistake.
  5. Class is optional unless the professor takes attendance. Then you should drag your hungover ass there whenever possible.
  6. Diner food is the best laxative you’ll ever know. Prepare accordingly.
  7. Chill out with the drug use. Junior and senior year interviews tend to ask about that, and you don’t want to have to lie too much.
  8. There’s almost always a way to convert your unused meal points to actual cash. Figure it out–buying alcohol gets that much easier.
  9. Speaking of alcohol: drink the drain cleaner they call $10 vodka handles (Zelko, Rikolov, etc.) while your body can take it. That’s not really an option after a certain age.
  10. Invest in a shipping crate full of pong balls on the first day of school. Sell them to everyone you know. You’ll make a killing.
  11. There’s no such thing as the perfect fake ID. Be prepared to take evasive action if the bouncer decides he wants you to have a really shitty night.
  12. Much like in the movie “Zombieland,” don’t neglect cardio. You never know when you’ll need to run from rival fraternities, the cops, campus security, or just and angry horde of GDIs.
  13. Lose your virginity ASAP. Practice makes perfect, rookie.
  14. If you want consistent blow jobs, expect to reciprocate.
  15. “I swear I’m on birth control” is the most dangerous phrase in the American lexicon. If she’s a random, wrap it up just in case.
  16. Getting laid on spring break is awesome. Sex on the beach is not. You get sand in all the wrong places. Use a beach chair or something if you’re determined.
  17. The ones who take shit from the actives the best as pledges usually turn out the best in the long run. It builds character. Avoiding bitching and whining.
  18. House business is house business. Never forward anything to anyone outside the active brotherhood unless your executive board says it’s cool. Once you cross that line, you can’t go back.
  19. Never do anything that will reflect really, really poorly on your house in letters. They probably don’t know who you are, but they damn sure know your house.
  20. Invest in a few sets of sheets. You never know when drunk hookups will be sloppy, destructive messes that ruin your bed. You don’t want to sleep in that after the fact.
  21. The best revenge against a shitty roommate is boning a random girl in his bed. (Fuck you, James.)
  22. Pregame with liquor, party with beer. It goes against everything you hear going into college, but it almost always guarantees you end the night in a good place.
  23. Don’t fuck in the dorm showers. The next great global epidemic is brewing in one of them.
  24. Lofted beds are basically a freshman “abstinence only” pledge if you’re a guy. You think a girl is going to climb up there with you after a night out?
  25. Whatever your current illegal idea is, do it once for the story. Prepare accordingly in case it gets out of hand.
  26. Greek Week and homecoming are the best times to meet new people. Get out there and be as social as possible. The girls you meet freshman year will be the ones hooking you up with dates to sorority formals and date parties as the years go on.
  27. The most important thing in college is not your grades. It’s the network you build while you’re there. Make sure you build a solid one.
  28. Get to know your professors. You want them to like you when grading time rolls around.
  29. Master the art of missed class excuses. You can’t say your grandma has died more than twice, after all.
  30. Have a policy of limiting yourself to three substances or less in one night. Any more than that and you can go into a really weird territory.
  31. Laundry will cost you enough money to support a Somalian family of seven for a year.
  32. Schedule your lunch breaks off of peak hours. You eat at weirder times, but you can easily get food pretty quickly.
  33. Get involved in whatever you can on campus. The best experiences you’ll get out of college involve running and working with student organizations. It’s basically practice for the business world.
  34. Find one really nerdy kid in your major who knows his or her shit. Become this person’s best friend–your GPA will probably be half a point higher as a result.
  35. Drink only on days ending in “Y.”
  36. Always have an exit strategy.
  37. When you join a chapter, go with the one you fit with best, not with the one you want because it has the best reputation. You don’t want to be the odd man out in the top house.
  38. Cheap condoms are cheap for a reason.
  39. If you drunkenly have sex with a girl on her period, don’t freak out when you wake up to something that looks like a murder scene.
  40. RAs suck more than a prison on planet Bullshit in the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks. If you find the rare RA who doesn’t, befriend him or her. He or she will let you get away with anything.
  41. When in trouble, deny, deny, counter-accuse and, if necessary, sue.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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