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1. We are going to take up the whole sidewalk when we walk to class. Longboard accordingly.
2. We’re too hungover to give a shit about your pamphlet, don’t try to hand one to us.
3. There’s a bike lane. Use it.
4. We don’t pay for our friends, we pay to not have to hang out with people like you.
5. Your 1.5 keg house party stories aren’t impressive to us at all.
6. Stop asking so many fucking questions at the end of class.
7. If we’re doing a group project, don’t schedule meetings at 10PM on a Saturday.
8. We have our awesome bars, you have your hipster bars. Keep it separate.
9. We aren’t sure why you would ever choose to be an RA, but we’re guessing it’s an inherent love for the men’s room communal showers.
10. We don’t understand why you feel the need to have so many pockets on your shorts.
11. We instantly label you as “douchebag” when we see that Affliction shirt.
12. Sorority girls laugh behind your back when you try to hit on them.
13. You spend the summer back home jerking off thrice daily. We spend the summer sailfishing in the Florida Keys.
14. We all think you should get a haircut.
15. You call us conformists. We call you socially inept.
16. If you’re going to “occupy” somewhere, at least do it quietly. After a rough night our well being depends on our ability to sleep until noon.
17. We get excited for Sunday Funday. You get excited for Pizza Tuesdays at the on campus dining hall.
18. The entire road is not a bike lane, and I won’t hesitate to knock your ass over if you treat it as such.
19. We drink more than you. I promise.
20. We don’t think a heterosexual guy should ever go to a tanning bed.
21. You drank three beers at your house before the football game. We did six consecutive upside-down margarita shots. Who do you think is going to have more fun?
22. You gave blood once. Our chapters give thousands of dollars to charity while simultaneously hosting a sloppy shitshow of an event.
23. If you’re an intramural referee, and don’t want to get yelled at, MAKE BETTER CALLS.
24. Don’t take any of the seats in the back row of class, those are reserved for us.
25. We can get away with anything while you get sent to Student Conduct for having a six pack of imports in your dorm room.
26. No matter what your excuse is for skipping rush, it isn’t a good one.
27. If you saw the fantastically slutty things girls pass off as “clothes” at socials, you wouldn’t laugh at our ridiculous outfits.
28. Our shorts aren’t too short, yours are just too long.
29. You can put all the Greek letters in the world in your title, but your little collective of 20 Pre-Law students will never be anything more than an insignificant club.
30. Finding a hot sorority girl is as easy as finding a reason to hate Lebron James. Finding a hot GDI girl is as likely as winning the lottery while simultaneously getting struck by three bolts of lightning.
31. If you’re the one that played five Nickelback songs in a row at the bar last night, fuck you.
32. You don’t go to the best bars until your 21st birthday. We’ve been getting in for years.
33. Think of the most beer you’ve ever bought. Then multiply it by ten. You now have an average night’s worth of alcohol at the fraternity house.
34. We have more respect for our dogs than we do for you.
35. If we have to present a group project in class, we’ll take care of the talking.
36. It’s a lot easier to get good grades when your test bank goes all the way back to 1985.
37. If your life ambition is to become a TA, we hope you learn to actually speak English first.
38. You might think we have a few things in common. I assure you, we don’t.
39. You might think you understand what we’re all about. You don’t.
40. Yes, we actually are better than you.