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40 Signs That You Smoke Too Much Weed

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Pretty much everyone likes to smoke a little weed from time to time. Even Bill Clinton does (he don’t inhale, though). Who doesn’t like weed? You wanna know who doesn’t like weed? ISIS. But how much is too much? Where is the line? Well, as always, I’m here to help.

Here are 40 signs that you smoke too much of the green goblin.

(NOTE: I’m pretty sure “the green goblin” isn’t actually a slang term for weed…. Yet. Let’s make this happen. That’s beside the point, though.)

  1. You own seven Bob Marley shirts but you eventually realize that you’ve actually never heard a Bob Marley song.
  2. Your grades are so awful that you get straight Gs. Yup, they’re so bad that had to invent a new grade for your dumb ass.
  3. Snoop Dogg is your emergency contact.
  4. You still think Cheech and Chong movies are funny. It’s not the ’60s or ’70s anymore, Chaz. Those movies and albums have aged like milk. Yuck.
  5. You have munchies that are so severe that you eat teenaged boys. Basically, Jeffrey Dahmer was apparently a huge stoner. Put the bong down, Jeffrey.
  6. You’re Seth Rogen.
  7. You’re Wiz Khalifa.
  8. You’re Seth Khalifa.
  9. You’re Wiz Rogen.
  10. You think this article is funny and/or good (it’s not.)
  11. You’re Wally Bryton and you wrote this terrible article thinking it was actually publishable.
  12. You’re surprised that publishable is actually a real word.
  13. Your house smells like a Grateful Dead concert.
  14. Your Grateful Dead concert smells like a house.
  15. When you see an apple you forget it’s even food. You automatically just consider it a magical red object to try to make a bong out of.
  16. You can make a bong out of ANYTHING: milk cartons, water bottles, vaginas, dead bulldogs, Matthew Perry, old Nintendo 64s, your father, my father, hope, regret.
  17. You have cotton mouth so bad that your mouth is dryer than Betty White’s pussy.
  18. You have a podcast.
  19. You listen to podcasts.
  20. You ARE a podcast.
  21. You’re still reading this article.
  22. You’ve gotten so stoned that you’ve stared at a wall so long that you started bonding with the wall and gave it a name and started talking to it like Wilson in Cast Away.
  23. You have a marijuana leaf tattoo on your left nut.
  24. Your weed dealer becomes the best man at your wedding even though you don’t even know his last name and you’re pretty sure he’s a registered sex offender.
  25. Your sperm count is so low that if you jerk off two more times you’ll never have children. Save those last two nut busts.
  26. You’re white and you have dreadlocks and those dreadlocks smell like dead raccoons and broken dreams.
  27. You enjoyed Kid Cudi’s latest album.
  28. You’ve been to more than zero Mac Miller concerts.
  29. You have a bong taller than Yao Ming.
  30. You just had to google Yao Ming to get that shitty joke because your dumb, forgetful ass couldn’t remember who he was.
  31. You roll joints out of pages from Dr. Suess books. Try explaining that shit to your nephew when he’s crying that page 6 from Cat In The Hat is missing, you fucking sociopath.
  32. You can take a hit from a gravity bong without immediately plunging into paranoia and a suicidal existential crisis.
  33. You can roll a perfect blunt in 2.5 nanoseconds.
  34. You can’t count.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

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