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40 Reasons American Freedom Is The Best Freedom

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Soon, Independence Day will be upon us once again and we’ll be celebrating the birth of this great nation in the fashion that we have for centuries: lots of booze, explosions, and exaggerated displays of patriotic clothing. America has an interesting take on freedom and patriotism, one you just don’t see in other countries, even countries beating us on the Heritage Foundation’s freedom rankings. By the way, seriously, Heritage? We all know America is number one. Always. Damn what the statistics say.

Everyone knows American freedom is best, but why? I think these 40 examples sum it up pretty well.

  1. Our military is larger than the next three countries combined, despite none of them posing a realistic threat to our national sovereignty. Big stick policy, indeed.
  2. “Go big or go home” is practically a legal imperative. Just visit any fast food restaurant.
  3. We have more guns than people, and the right to carry them publicly in certain states.
  4. Our national anthem has explosions and basically taunts the British.
  5. No other country on Earth can claim to be back to back World War champs.
  6. Our military has a base on every continent, and many in formerly hostile countries. Not even the Roman Empire could pull that one off.
  7. You have both the right to remain silent and the right to criticize everything the government does.
  8. Our National Security Agency really listens to our concerns. Seriously. All of them.
  9. Two of our states have legalized pot and turned it into a free market economic solution.
  10. Two words: sorority Tumblrs.
  11. Our entire national governmental system was founded on the idea that kings suck at a time when the options were “monarchy” and “living in dirt huts.”
  12. We’re the country that produced most of the major music movements of the 20th century.
  13. We have a state for everyone: Alaska for survivalists, Washington for hipsters, Colorado for potheads, and the rest of the country for everyone else.
  14. Our military technology is somewhere on the “our enemies shit their pants several times a day” end of the spectrum.
  15. Our national bird is basically the giant, flying “fuck you” of the avian world. Nothing messes with an eagle.
  16. Our first president killed our first real enemies in their sleep, on Christmas, after crossing a half-frozen river. George Washington: the original Rambo.
  17. We basically invented the modern concept of total war and scorched earth warfare.
  18. Everyone knows our monuments. I mean really, can anyone name Sweden’s monuments?
  19. Quality American domestic beers are some of the best in the world. Plus, even our shitty domestics are drinkable.
  20. Bourbon. What other country on Earth lets the best kind of whiskey practically flow in rivers?
  21. We invented the fraternity, a staple of American collegiate life for the last 200+ years.
  22. Speaking of college, the American university system is unique. Nowhere else on the planet has the kind of college culture we do, which is probably better for their national liver health, but also way less fun.
  23. Playboy was founded in America. What’s Europe’s excuse? They had the monopoly on hedonism when America was founded.
  24. We’re home to the world’s hottest models, who I assume have boobs composed entirely of condensed Freedom.
  25. Despite China having literally several times the number of citizens, we still have the bigger economy.
  26. We have cities where public intoxication is essentially encouraged, if not mandated. Anyone who has been to Vegas or New Orleans knows this.
  27. The Founding Fathers drank, smoked, distilled whiskey, and fought for freedom.
  28. We basically turn national elections into sporting events with fierce rivalries, complete with insults and, occasionally, fist fights.
  29. Anyone has the potential to be president, even if he or she comes from a background that would make running for president seem impossibly difficult.
  30. We lead the world in science and technology, especially for computing and biotechnology.
  31. Most of our official salutes involve guns.
  32. When it comes to international conflicts, we’re the world’s Batman. Everyone wants our help.
  33. “You can’t run, you can’t hide” should be the CIA and SEALs new slogan after killing Osama.
  34. We are well aware as a nation that our freedom is not free.
  35. We have enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world seven or eight times over. We’re big on overkill.
  36. Fifty years later and we’re still the only country on the moon.
  37. America is so awesome that people send unaccompanied children to try and give them a reason for citizenship. On a related note, that’s really bad parenting.
  38. “We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” —William Faulkner
  39. “There is no such thing as a little freedom. Either you are all free or you are not free.” —Walter Cronkite
  40. We manage to put aside our differences once a year, come together, and celebrate the fact that, problems aside, we live in the best damn country in the world.

On a scale of one to America, how free do you feel today? Enjoy the Fourth, and get fucked up for America.

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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