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There are plenty of things we notice about women before we ever talk to them: the way they talk, the way they flirt, the way their ass meets their legs. All of that is obvious and widely recognized. However, there are certain things women can do that really put them over the top, and I don’t think we talk about that nearly enough. Since it’s my job to talk about things no one else seems to give a shit about, it’s time I bring some of these things to the front of the conversation.
1. Her Walk
The debate between boobs and butt is over. The butt won. We all know this. Of course, the next debate is legs versus ass. Here’s the thing about grading a woman’s lower half: none of it matters if she doesn’t operate it properly. It’s like a Ferrari. Sure, it’s a marvel of vehicular engineering, but if the dude driving it is a balding plastic surgeon who doesn’t know the difference between fuel injection and a carburetor, it’s much less impressive. There’s something to be said about something with great craftsmanship being handled by an expert. Watching a woman in a pencil skirt with an above average set of legs walk through a hallway with purpose and the perfect amount of superiority and swing in her ass is like watching Floyd Mayweather fight a guy with speed and power. Sure, his opponent might be superior physically, but seeing Money subtly duck, dip, dive, and dodge everything that is thrown at him is poetry. Think about Catherine Zeta-Jones. Does she have the greatest ass of all time? No. But she knows exactly how to walk. She struts, glides, and sashays her way across the room, and it’s perfect. The walk can tell you everything you need to know about a woman before she ever opens her mouth.
2. Reading A Book
A lot of people read books for show. That’s just a fact. There’s a certain subset of people who peruse their bookshelf before going out in public the same way other people go through their closet for something to wear. Maybe they don’t really enjoy Umberto Eco’s molasses-esque style of narrative, but they know that it’ll make them look damn impressive on the subway. Those people are douchers. Then there are some people who actually read for enjoyment. You can especially tell when you see a girl who curls the front cover around the back of the book while she reads. Now, I’m not personally a fan of book mutilation like that, but I can appreciate that she doesn’t really give a shit if anyone around her knows whether she’s reading Nicholas Sparks’s latest toddler Lego blocks-level of emotional manipulation or Camus. Hell, these days, the simple fact that someone is even making the effort to read something that isn’t a link to a stupid inspirational blog post that’s trending on Facebook is good enough for me.
3. Hating Stupid People
Nice people who don’t particularly hate anyone are fine, don’t get me wrong. That’s probably a much better way to go through life — the whole not hating anyone way. But that’s not how I operate. There are people who simply annoy the shit out of me, often just by the way they talk. If a girl not only recognizes but agrees with me, that gets my misanthropy boner up immediately. Say I don’t notice how much of a chode that guy over in the corner is and she points it out to me. Now we have this small, shared moment of collective disdain. It’s delightfully terrible.
4. Dressing Well
“Jesus, first you talk about book reading, and now you’re getting all worked up about pant suits or some shit? What the fuck, Sterling?” Well, hypothetical asshole reader, that’s how this column works. You want me to wax poetic about how a girl with a great ass who wears yoga pants is sexy? Everybody not only knows about it, but we go on about it ad nauseam. File this as “things that go unappreciated,” not “shit every average dumbass realizes.” Anyway, there’s something to be said about a girl who knows how to dress. Don’t act like you don’t know enough about women’s fashion to realize this. Guys might be ignorant, but we’re not dumb. We know what looks good. We know just by unconscious viewing what’s fashionable and what’s not. Sure, a hot girl is going to look good no matter what, even if she’s wearing that loose blouse, torn jeans, and high heels look that Cameron Diaz gave up on five years ago. But there’s something to be said about a girl who dresses well for her body type, especially in an understated way. There’s a reason we call boobs “sweater puppies.” There’s something even sexier about a girl in clothes than out of clothes. I mean, yeah, the ultimate goal is to get her naked, but the art of subtle hinting at what’s underneath the clothes is both extremely sexy and shockingly not talked about.
At the end of the day, women are amazing. Sure, they’re infuriating and maddeningly fickle, but ultimately, there are just so many small and large things about them that ultimately stack up so far in the pros column, that every one of us is willing to ignore the cons to be with them. As always, ladies, if you think you meet these qualifications, my Twitter handle is below. I have no shame about plugging that whatsoever..