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Being in a fraternity is about more than drinking at an “alarming rate” (thanks, Mom) and finding inventive and increasingly sadistic methods to train the pledges. A fraternity is a brotherhood, and as such, we have an obligation to help other brothers be better students, better people, and, most importantly, better at hooking up with random girls. Being a good wingman isn’t always easy, but follow these tips and you will be dishing out more assists than Steve Nash.
1. Run Interference
No matter how much “game” your buddy has or how cool the fish tank in his room is, hooking up is basically a numbers game. As a wingman, you must maximize the number of girls your boy sees while also making sure that the girls he talks to have access to as few other males as possible. See another guy walking towards a conversation your brother and that random Zeta girl? Treat that rando like a wide receiver running over the middle and knock him out of the play. Said conversation with the Zeta start to go south when she mentions she’s a vegan? Invite that group of girls from your Underwater Basket Weaving class over and regale them with the story of how your buddy saved you from a burning building (while neglecting to include the fact that his attempt to microwave Mexican fireworks is what set the place on fire to begin with).
2. Know Your Friend’s Strengths and Weaknesses
This one may seem obvious, but if your buddy is built like Gronk and is just about as bright, he’s gonna thrive on the house dance floor or in a club. Conversely, if your boy is almost as funny as he looks, you want him to be in a place where his wit is what girls focus on rather than his lazy eye and surprisingly pronounced tooth gap. Consider yourself a Major League manager and your buddy is a middle reliever. It’s your job to put him in the position where he is most likely firing at her glove later in the night.
3. Keep The Drinks Flowing
I’m not sure how people hook up sober, but I imagine it has to be like middle-school sponsored dances: self-conscious, awkward, and full of cargo shorts. Keep the bad decision juice coming.
4. Enjoy Yourself
From the time I drunkenly fireman carried my brother and his girl into a room or when I broke my nose running interference against a guy whose steroid use was only rivaled by his spray tan addiction, some of my best stories from college don’t come from my hookups, but rather from the crazy, irresponsible, and borderline illegal things I’ve done in the name of helping a brother out. Being a good wingman allows you to let out your wild side. The crazier you get, the better your boy looks by comparison. I don’t pretend to understand how women think (nor do I particularly care to try), but for some reason, it seems like when I’m busy helping my buddies hook up and not looking out for myself, that’s when women find me the most attractive.
At the end of the day, the college experience is at its best when everybody is having a good time. Follow these tips and you can help the brothers in your fraternity that are less popular with the opposite sex exercise their God-given right to disappointment women after ninety seconds in bed..